FIC: Unfolding as It Should
Jul. 12th, 2008 07:52 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waldos_writingsTitle: Unfolding as It Should
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5097
Spoilers/Warnings: post-Exit Wounds
Summary: "I’m going to make him go to sleep. I’ll sedate him if I have to.” Jack rubbed his hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe Ianto hadn’t slept yet.
Author's Notes: Written for the![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
rounds_of_kink prompt: "Desiderata" / kink: Kissing, pampering, endearments, tenderness. The lovely and talented ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kyrdwyn tells me this story is fit for public consumption. Also, I'm finally on my trip so I'm posting on the fly. If I've buggered the coding anywhere, please scream really loud, but know that it may be a day or so before I can fix it. Thanks.
Gwen looked up from her computer. Ianto was rubbing his eyes with one hand, the other held his mobile tightly to his ear and he occasionally nodded as if the person on the other end of the phone could see him.
She pushed her chair back from her desk and wandered over to Jack’s office, picking up a stack of printouts from the printer on the way, her eyes never leaving Ianto until she was over the threshold and the door was between them. “Jack, has Ianto slept yet?”
She didn’t have to specify since when.
Jack didn’t look up from his stack of memos. “I sent him home last night.”
“But did he sleep?” Gwen pressed.
“I would assume. I didn’t go with him if that’s what you’re getting at.” Jack tossed his pen down and gave her his full attention.
“It’s not, really.” She tossed the stack of papers down in front of Jack. “I think he went home and worked all night. I called the interim DCI to coordinate the cordons and the search and rescue operations as well as some of the emergency road and utility repairs and I was told they were all signed off on. So then I made some calls to Whitehall to try and get the funding for the emergency services and found that all of that had been arranged too. Guess whose name is coming up an awful lot on the phone lately?”
Jack looked at the spreadsheet Gwen had put in front of him. A few things had his own name as authorizing body, a few had hers and several pages worth of tasks listed I. Jones as having signed off on them. “It’s been more than sixty hours, Jack,” Gwen informed him.
Ianto was ridiculously efficient; it wasn’t impossibly that he’d gotten most of that done during the last day. Jack turned to his computer and pulled up the call log for Ianto’s mobile and home phones and had the computer merge them. The longest gap between calls amongst the two phones was thirty-eight minutes.
Jack rubbed his eyes. Even he’d slept for half a dozen hours last night. He counted back. First there was the bombing at the old factory. That went straight into chasing John and Gray for a night and a day. That night they’d been cleaning up and planting cover stories for the nuclear explosion and contacting the families of both Owen and Tosh. At three a.m. that morning, he’d sent Gwen and Ianto home to sleep. They’d come back in twelve hours later and begun coordinating the recovery from the near destruction of Cardiff, picking up a lot of tasks that would ordinarily be covered by the Mayor’s office, which was now a pile of rubble. Reports had listed the mayor, deputy mayor and most of the city and county council in the building when it had been bombed and they were now presumed dead or at the least missing and injured.
And now it looked like Ianto had gotten a head start on the coordinating.
Jack looked at his watch. It was nearing eight; they’d only worked for five hours. Not even half a day by their normal standards. All the same…
“Gwen, go on home. I’m going to make him go to sleep. I’ll sedate him if I have to.” Jack rubbed his hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe Ianto hadn’t slept yet.
Jack watched through the glass of his office as Gwen grabbed her things and turned off her computer monitor. She gave Ianto a friendly peck on the cheek as she left. Ianto looked at her, clearly confused by the gesture, but as soon as she disappeared behind the cog door, he went back to work at his computer terminal.
Jack waited until the CCTV showed Gwen crossing the Plass before quietly approaching Ianto at his workstation. He put one hand on Ianto’s shoulder and reached over his other to turn off the computer monitor.
“Jack!” Ianto groused. “I’m working on that.” He reached forward to reactivate the screen, but Jack caught his hand.
“Not any more, you aren’t.” Jack pushed his hand back down and then slid his own back up to start kneading Ianto’s shoulder – the one that hadn’t been dislocated in the bombing - through his suit jacket. “You’re doing the damn budget estimates for the damage done to the streets and sewers. It can wait.” When Ianto looked to object Jack leaned down and kissed his head. “The work is getting done. Right now no one gives a damn how much it will cost. What you’re doing can wait until after you’ve slept.”
Ianto hung his head, part in defeat and part because Jack was working out a massive knot between his neck and shoulder and it felt too good not to let him. “I’m okay, Jack.”
Jack slid his hands around Ianto’s chest and hugged him tightly to him. “No you aren’t. You haven’t slept in over sixty hours. It was only ten hours ago that they put out the last of the flames that destroyed your city. It was only thirty hours ago that you lost two of your best friends. You’re not okay, but that is okay right now.” Jack loosened his hold and stepped back, spinning Ianto’s chair to so that Ianto faced him. “You have to rest –“
“I went home last night, Jack. I rested.” Ianto crossed his arms over his chest, his anger starting to rise no matter how much he tried to battle it down.
“You went home, but you didn’t rest! You didn’t sleep –“
“I slept!” Ianto cut him off again.
“For what? Half an hour?” Jack challenged. “I checked your phone records. Gwen couldn’t figure out why half the things she thought she needed to do today were done. Turns out you were up all night getting them done for her. Between your mobile and your house phone your longest time you were not on the phone between the time you left here yesterday and the time you came back here this morning was thirty-eight minutes. That’s not sleeping. That’s barely napping.”
“I wasn’t counting on you figuring to check my home phone records,” Ianto admitted with a wry grin.
“That’s because sleep deprivation screws with your thinking,” Jack said as he knelt in front of Ianto. His eyebrows drew together as he saw Ianto squeeze his eyes tightly shut and a single tear escape. “What is it?” He wiped Ianto’s cheek. “Hey, I’m not mad, I’m just worried. You need to sleep. The work will be here when you wake up.”
Ianto angrily batted away the tears on his eyelashes. “I slept last night, Jack. I fell asleep waiting for someone at the MP’s office to ring back. The nightmares… I was so glad the ringing of my mobile woke me back up.”
Jack nodded. “I understand.”
Ianto ducked his head and tried to hide his face. “I’m sorry.”
Jack reached up and gently pulled Ianto’s head down to him. He gently kissed Ianto’s lips, trying to show him the love and compassion that the insanity of the last few days had denied them both. Ianto’s lips were cool, like he’d been sucking on ice cubes. Jack tenderly pressed his lips to Ianto’s, just resting there, trying to warm the cold skin. When Ianto finally pulled back, seemingly calm again, Jack whispered, “Let me take you downstairs and put you to bed.”
“I can get myself home and –“
This time Jack cut him off. “I’m not a hundred percent sure of that right now. Besides, I want to. I did sleep last night.” The less said about the rest he’d gotten for the past two thousand years, the better.
Ianto sighed and didn’t argue. It was all the capitulation his pride would allow. He knew that he didn’t have to worry about Jack seeing him as weak, but he was so far past tired that all his defenses were up and he was having an exceedingly difficult time shoving them back down even though he knew, intellectually, that he didn’t need them anymore.
“Come on,” Jack said with a soft kiss to the top of his head.
Ianto let himself be pulled up and turned his hand to hold Jack’s in return as Jack led him to the hole in his office floor.
Jack descended the ladder first, waiting below to help guide Ianto, whose fatigue made him a little uncoordinated and shaky.
“I’m just going to go clean up,” Ianto nodded towards the small bathroom in Jack’s quarters.
“Let me,” Jack said, steering Ianto to the bed. “Sit down. Let me take care of you.”
“Jack, I – I…”
Jack pulled Ianto close and kissed away whatever objection Ianto was trying to form. “Let me. Please.”
Once again, Ianto agreed by not disagreeing any more.
Jack sat him on the edge of the bed. He knelt down and began untying Ianto’s shoes. “How about you just close your eyes and listen to me for a bit, okay?”
Ianto gave him a look, but finally allowed his eyes to drift shut.
“When Gwen first said that she couldn’t go on after losing Tosh and Owen, my very first thought was that if she really, really, truly felt that way, I could let her go. She’d have Rhys and her job as a police officer, and really, if she wanted to go, it would be okay. My second thought was that if you were to make the same decision, I’d do everything that wouldn’t make you hate me to get you to change your mind.”
Jack pulled off Ianto’s shoes and gently massaged his feet through his socks. “I need you on both a personal and professional level right now.” He slid forward between Ianto’s knees and carefully unbuttoned the tiny collar buttons before unknotting Ianto’s tie. “You’ve been taking remarkable care of me and Gwen these past few days. There’s been food and coffee when we need it. When Gwen spontaneously bursts into tears because her computer’s acting up or she starts to ask Owen something before realizing he isn’t here, you’ve been there for her. You’ve been there for me. When I needed to talk yesterday… You’re an amazing listener, Ianto. I know that doesn’t sound like much of a compliment, but trust me, few people in all the people I’ve ever met understand the value of simply letting someone else talk so they can work things out for themselves.”
“I was scared for you,” Ianto admitted quietly as he let Jack raise one arm and slip it out of his jacket. “When you said you’d been buried for so long… I couldn’t imagine what that would do to your state of mind. I was so afraid that even though you lived that I’d lose you in a whole different way.” He used his free hand to wipe his eyes, not sure that the tears were from the fatigue, the relief that Jack was okay or the fear he’d felt that afternoon when he’d heard Jack explain how he’d ended up in that drawer.
Jack pulled Ianto’s jacket off the other arm and draped it over the end of the bed. He wrapped his arms around Ianto and pulled him in for a gentle kiss. “Like I said after the first four or five times my mouth and nose were so full of dirt I couldn’t take that first breath. No breath, no consciousness. Other than my brief little chat with Alice and her boy toy, the whole thing lasted about an hour and a half for me.”
Ianto nodded, squeezing Jack’s hand to remind himself that Jack was there, and okay.
Jack unbuttoned Ianto’s other cuff, rubbing Ianto’s hand as he released it. “And as much as you were worried about me, you didn’t ask a thousand questions yesterday. You just let me talk and, I guess, assumed I’d answer all your questions eventually. It’s why I like having you as the public face up in the tourist office. You just have this amazing way with people. Even the loud obnoxious ones who think that if something goes wrong while they’re on holiday that the ‘tourist office’ is for tourists to go and complain to.”
Ianto laughed a little before sobering quickly. “It’s going to be a long time before anyone comes to Cardiff on holiday now, Jack.” He took a deep breath and wrestled down his grief for his city.
Jack gently squeezed his shoulders. “I know. But we’ll help make things right. It’ll take time, but we’ll make things right.” Jack began slowly unbuttoning Ianto’s shirt, letting his hands slide down Ianto’s chest, gently stroking over the skin revealed as he undid each button. “You’re the most determined person I’ve ever met. You’ll make sure everything is set right again.” Jack took Ianto’s face in his hands and pressed his lips against Ianto’s again, this time gently exploring Ianto’s lips with the tip of his tongue. “I don’t think you know how to quit. You took care of Lisa even though, deep down, I think you knew she couldn’t be saved. You hunted me down – using a pterodactyl as bait – to continue working for Torchwood. An organization that tossed you out like so much bad bathwater after nearly getting you killed or worse.”
Ianto pulled his arms out of his sleeves as Jack pushed his open shirt down. “Torchwood’s really all I’ve known. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to call a career. I was a waiter and a bookseller and I even worked for an undertaker for a while. But nothing for more than a few months and nothing that was more than just a job. I’d lost everything at Canary Wharf; I couldn’t stand to lose that too.”
Jack quickly untied his own boots and kicked them off, going behind Ianto and sitting behind him on the bed. Ianto was now down to his trousers and socks. Jack sat behind him and slid his arms around Ianto’s waist and unbuckled his belt and undid the button and zip. He nudged Ianto to stand up and let his trousers slide off. Ianto did so and pulled off his socks. He shoved the socks in his shoes and draped his pants at the end of the bed where Jack had put his shirt and jacket.
Once he was seated again, Jack rummaged in a bedside drawer until he came up with some plain hand lotion. He poured some into one palm and then rubbed his hands together to warm it. “Sit still, head down,” Jack told him quietly as he began to stroke Ianto’s bare skin with his slicked hands. Once most of the lotion was worked in, he began a to give him a massage in earnest, still carefull of the bad shoulder and the assorted bruises still peppering Ianto’s body from the building collapse. “It always amazed me that you never balked at any of the menial tasks I gave you those first few months. Or even the one Suzie gave you. She was the one – by the way – who decided you should be the one to deal with the dead bodies. I guess she didn’t know you’d worked at the mortuary.”
“Were you trying to run me out?” Ianto asked and Jack could tell that he could play the comment as a jest or answer honestly. Ianto would take whatever answer Jack gave him.
“Yes,” he said simply. “After we went our separate ways from that warehouse, I decided that I had made a huge mistake. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to protect us from ‘Torchwood One’s terrible influence’ or protect you from… well, ‘Torchwood’s terrible influence’. Or possibly just my terrible influence. But you didn’t care. You picked up the pizza boxes and disfigured corpses so we could fob them off as someone who’d not actually been killed by an alien and then made us all coffee.”
“I had to, didn’t I?” Ianto’s voice was quiet, still afraid of the consequences of what he’d done to try and help Lisa.
“Maybe at first. And even then, you never let the snide and obnoxious things Suzie and Owen said to or about you get to you. Hell even the day you came back after Lisa, you held your head up. You never let them make you feel like less than they were because you were the one to stay back here when we went out to capture whatever-the-hell the Rift belched at us this time.”
“Well, I did shoot Owen for calling me the teaboy and part time shag,” Ianto said, turning his head and giving Jack a wry grin.
“You shot him for insisting on opening the Rift,” Jack corrected, knowing that Ianto still felt caught between doing what Jack would have wanted him to and having to wound a colleague. “And you were right to do that. And Owen better have been damn glad it was you who heard him say that, because I wouldn’t have aimed for his shoulder when I shot him. He would have had his last shag long before that asshole at the Pharm shot him.”
Ianto huffed out a short laugh. It was good to note that they were finally reaching a place where they could say Tosh or Owen’s names without stopping themselves or feeling gut-wrenching pain and guilt.
“And even when Owen was at his most idiotic, you just told him to get stuffed and took care of us. All of us. And you still do. You have eight billion other responsibilities now, but you still order the sandwiches and make the coffee and make sure there’s paper towels in the loo. You could have told us all to take our turns on the scut work ages ago, but you didn’t. You’ve taken the cleaning up and day-to-day minutiae as part of your job responsibility. And you have never shirked responsibility a day in your life, have you?” Jack folded a pillow in half and gave it to Ianto before bending him forward over his knees so that Jack could work on a few stubborn knots in his lower back.
“I try not to,” Ianto answered. “Sometimes it feels like there’s so much to do. That there’s no way everything will get done, that something will fall through the cracks no matter how hard I try.”
Jack rearranged himself so that he could slide closer, molding himself to Ianto’s back. “Sometimes you forget that you aren’t doing this all on your own.” Jack gently pet Ianto’s hair. “You aren’t alone. I’m right here.”
Ianto nodded and turned and curled himself against Jack’s chest. Part of him felt ridiculous for being in nothing but his shorts while Jack was still completely dressed, but the other part of him wanted so desperately to take comfort where it was offered, because he never knew if it would be again. Comfort wasn’t a given. Someone to take care of him while he took care of others wasn’t a guarantee.
“The last time…” Ianto stopped and coughed. His voice was rough with both fatigue and tears. “The last time there was no one to help. I learned to manage alone. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t always have to be like that.”
Jack hugged him tight and rocked him back and forth. “You did everything you could for Lisa. You only had her welfare at heart. I do know that now. I’m quickly learning that when you love someone you do it wholeheartedly. You don’t do anything by halves. You weren’t trying to put anyone in danger, you just wanted to save her.”
“I was so afraid that if I lost her, I’d have no one,” Ianto admitted as he lost the battle and tears once more streaked down his cheeks.
“I know. And I know that I didn’t do anything to make you feel any differently. I’m sorry for how we all treated you back then Ianto. I’m so sorry. Maybe if we’d – if I’d included you more, maybe you would have been able to tell me about her. And… I don’t know, maybe I could have helped, I doubt it, really, but maybe. But I didn’t give you a reason to trust me with the life of the person you loved most.” Jack held him close and snuggled his face into Ianto’s hair.
“I couldn’t do it alone a second time, Jack,” Ianto said after a long silence. “I couldn’t stand losing another team and finding myself all alone again. I couldn’t…” Ianto tried to reign in his emotions, but the truth was he still hadn’t given himself time or permission to really and truly grieve for Tosh and Owen. Whenever he’d thought about it he’d told himself that there were thousands of people in Wales without homes or power or who’d lost someone in an explosion that they’d had nothing to do with. He needed to get them all sorted before giving in to his own grief. And in the few seconds he allowed himself to be selfish, he was able to admit to himself that he wanted Jack to be there when he finally broke down. Once he’d gotten Lisa sequestered, he’d holed up and cried into his knees for hours for everything that had been lost at Canary Wharf. And as much as he feared for what had happened and what would happen to Lisa, he couldn’t ignore the little voice that insisted that crying into his own knees only made it hurt worse for the constant reminder that there was no one there to hold him.
Now he was pressed tight against Jack, his tears staining Jack’s shirt. His knees came up as he felt himself giving in to the sobs he’d swallowed for so long. He was barely aware of the way Jack was turning him and arranging him, tucking his head more securely under Jack’s chin. He felt himself shaking, but Jack’s arms were warm and steady around him, and he could hear Jack whispering quiet nonsense directly into his ear.
His hands closed around Jack’s shirt and braces and pride be damned, he gave into the shamelessness of his need and sobbed for all that had gone so horribly wrong in his reasonably short life. He cried again for Lisa, knowing that Jack may not appreciate being used for comfort in that particular case, despite his words. He cried for Tosh and Owen, taken far too soon. Hell, Owen and he had finally been making peace – ganging up to tease Jack - and helping each other with work as needed, without Jack having to order it. And Owen was finally starting to make peace with what his life had become as some kind of Torchwood-induced zombie. Tosh was just a few years older than he was. Her contract to Torchwood was almost over, but she’d already confided in Ianto that she’d planned to stay on. He cried for the three-hundred and nineteen people who had been injured and the ninety-two who had died when a series of bombs did their level best to destroy Cardiff. He bit his lip as the list of names he’d retrieved from the hospital and police headquarters scrolled through his cursed eidetic memory.
And Jack… he’d thought he had lost Jack twice now. The first time to his Doctor and then more recently to his brother. “I-I thought y-you,” his sobs distorted his speech so badly that Jack had lean close to try and understand him. Ianto took a deep breath forcing himself to get the sentence out clearly. “I thought you were gone too.”
Jack tightened his hold even more. “I know. I’m sorry. But I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed Ianto’s forehead. “I should have had you stay here last night, eh?” Jack shook his head against Ianto’s. “I thought you’d sleep better in your own bed. I wanted to get a few more things done and I wanted you to sleep.”
Ianto had no idea what to say to that. That it was okay? That he understood? Maybe it was and maybe he did, but all he knew was that now that the stopper was out of his emotional bottle and there was no way he was going to be getting it back in any time soon.
Jack held him, rocked him and whispered quiet words of love and comfort as Ianto finally let go.
It felt like hours before he finally took a deep hiccupping breath and felt himself calm. If he hadn’t been so damn tired he would have smiled when he realized he had a whole new definition – not to mention appreciation – for ‘catharisis.’
He tried to pull himself away from Jack’s secure embrace. As good as it felt, as much as he needed it, he was starting to feel a little ashamed for coming so completely undone. But Jack gathered him back in whispering, “Shh,” and “Not yet.”
So Ianto relaxed and leaned his head back against Jack’s shoulder. Just as he was going to reach up and dry his eyes with the back of his hand, Jack was there. He’d managed reach over and pull a clean t-shirt from his dresser and was using the soft cotton to wipe Ianto’s eyes and cheeks. “Shhh…” he whispered.
Ianto found himself forcing his eyes to open, jerking himself awake when he started to drift. But Jack just held him and whispered quietly, telling him that it was safe to sleep, that the worst was over. Eventually he couldn’t fight it anymore, his eyes slid closed and even though he was still awake, he just couldn’t be arsed to force them open again.
Jack held him for a good ten minutes after he figured Jack had to take him for completely unconscious. Then he felt himself being turned and stretched out on the bed. The double bed Ianto had ordered and installed a few months ago as his way to prove to Jack that he had, in fact, forgiven him for running off with the Doctor. There were new pillows and a warm duvet now, which beat the hell out of that crappy campbed Jack had attempted to squeeze them both into a few times. A few times that had always resulted in someone rolling out of bed and onto the floor with a thump each night. No, this was infinitely better, Ianto thought as Jack gently turned him onto his side and pulled the quilt up around him.
Ianto mustered up the energy to wiggle just enough to get comfortable and to pull Jack’s pillow around and hug it to his chest.
He felt Jack lay behind him. The blankets and Jack’s clothes were between them, but that was all well and good. Ianto didn’t think he was up for anything besides a very long sleep at the moment. And yet, he still felt bereft when he heard the springs creak as Jack got up. He felt colder.
One more tear managed to make its escape as Ianto resigned himself to sleeping alone.
He jumped as the bed dipped with Jack’s unexpected return. “Just one more second, then you can sleep as long as you want,” Jack whispered as he tugged on Ianto’s arm. Ianto let Jack pull him over onto his back, but didn’t open his eyes. Therefore it was a bit shocking to feel a warm flannel on his cheek. Jack carefully wiped away the tearstains on his cheeks before gently running the cloth over the rest of Ianto’s face and then carefully over each hand, symbolically wiping away the dust and debris of the last few days. “There’s this poem or prayer or something I heard once a long time ago. Part of sounds like really good advice right now,” Jack said as he tenderly washed each of Ianto’s fingers. “’Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should’.” Ianto heard a soft ‘plop’ as Jack tossed the flannel away. “There’s a lot more, but that’s the part that always seemed to help me the most while I waited for the Doctor.”
Jack tucked him back in again once again left the bed and Ianto could feel the last hard-won vestiges of alertness slip away. Ianto sighed, thinking about the words Jack had quoted. That had always been the problem for him, hadn’t it? Why had he survived Canary Wharf? Why had he survived Gray’s attack on Cardiff? What right had he to live when so many other innocent people died? Maybe it was, as Jack had said, because he was there to help others. Maybe if he’d died at Canary Wharf the death total from the bombings here would have been doubled or worse. Chances were very good that if he’d attempted to take Owen’s place at the nuclear power station, he would have died before arriving on account of all the Weevils. Then who the hell knew how many people would have died in a nuclear meltdown. Maybe Jack was right. Maybe the Universe had other plans for him. He wondered if Jack knew something he didn’t. After all Jack was from three thousand years in the future.
Too much thinking was compounding his lingering headache and he made a conscious decision to stop. To just stop thinking. To stop second-guessing. To stop blaming himself for things that were beyond his control. And he realized in that moment that he needed to stop killing himself trying to fix things he didn’t break. He had a job and he’d do it well, but it really wouldn’t mean the end of life as he knew it if he stopped for a cup of coffee or a change of clothes. Or a few hours sleep.
The last thing he was aware of was the whispering of cloth and the blankets being shuffled about and then Jack’s arms sliding around him as Ianto finally allowed himself to drop off, secure in the knowledge that Jack would be there if – when - the nightmares started. And he knew that when he woke to the nightmare of the destruction of his city and his team, he’d be in a much better place to start rebuilding both.
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 5097
Spoilers/Warnings: post-Exit Wounds
Summary: "I’m going to make him go to sleep. I’ll sedate him if I have to.” Jack rubbed his hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe Ianto hadn’t slept yet.
Author's Notes: Written for the
rounds_of_kink prompt: "Desiderata" / kink: Kissing, pampering, endearments, tenderness. The lovely and talented kyrdwyn tells me this story is fit for public consumption. Also, I'm finally on my trip so I'm posting on the fly. If I've buggered the coding anywhere, please scream really loud, but know that it may be a day or so before I can fix it. Thanks.Gwen looked up from her computer. Ianto was rubbing his eyes with one hand, the other held his mobile tightly to his ear and he occasionally nodded as if the person on the other end of the phone could see him.
She pushed her chair back from her desk and wandered over to Jack’s office, picking up a stack of printouts from the printer on the way, her eyes never leaving Ianto until she was over the threshold and the door was between them. “Jack, has Ianto slept yet?”
She didn’t have to specify since when.
Jack didn’t look up from his stack of memos. “I sent him home last night.”
“But did he sleep?” Gwen pressed.
“I would assume. I didn’t go with him if that’s what you’re getting at.” Jack tossed his pen down and gave her his full attention.
“It’s not, really.” She tossed the stack of papers down in front of Jack. “I think he went home and worked all night. I called the interim DCI to coordinate the cordons and the search and rescue operations as well as some of the emergency road and utility repairs and I was told they were all signed off on. So then I made some calls to Whitehall to try and get the funding for the emergency services and found that all of that had been arranged too. Guess whose name is coming up an awful lot on the phone lately?”
Jack looked at the spreadsheet Gwen had put in front of him. A few things had his own name as authorizing body, a few had hers and several pages worth of tasks listed I. Jones as having signed off on them. “It’s been more than sixty hours, Jack,” Gwen informed him.
Ianto was ridiculously efficient; it wasn’t impossibly that he’d gotten most of that done during the last day. Jack turned to his computer and pulled up the call log for Ianto’s mobile and home phones and had the computer merge them. The longest gap between calls amongst the two phones was thirty-eight minutes.
Jack rubbed his eyes. Even he’d slept for half a dozen hours last night. He counted back. First there was the bombing at the old factory. That went straight into chasing John and Gray for a night and a day. That night they’d been cleaning up and planting cover stories for the nuclear explosion and contacting the families of both Owen and Tosh. At three a.m. that morning, he’d sent Gwen and Ianto home to sleep. They’d come back in twelve hours later and begun coordinating the recovery from the near destruction of Cardiff, picking up a lot of tasks that would ordinarily be covered by the Mayor’s office, which was now a pile of rubble. Reports had listed the mayor, deputy mayor and most of the city and county council in the building when it had been bombed and they were now presumed dead or at the least missing and injured.
And now it looked like Ianto had gotten a head start on the coordinating.
Jack looked at his watch. It was nearing eight; they’d only worked for five hours. Not even half a day by their normal standards. All the same…
“Gwen, go on home. I’m going to make him go to sleep. I’ll sedate him if I have to.” Jack rubbed his hand through his hair. He couldn’t believe Ianto hadn’t slept yet.
Jack watched through the glass of his office as Gwen grabbed her things and turned off her computer monitor. She gave Ianto a friendly peck on the cheek as she left. Ianto looked at her, clearly confused by the gesture, but as soon as she disappeared behind the cog door, he went back to work at his computer terminal.
Jack waited until the CCTV showed Gwen crossing the Plass before quietly approaching Ianto at his workstation. He put one hand on Ianto’s shoulder and reached over his other to turn off the computer monitor.
“Jack!” Ianto groused. “I’m working on that.” He reached forward to reactivate the screen, but Jack caught his hand.
“Not any more, you aren’t.” Jack pushed his hand back down and then slid his own back up to start kneading Ianto’s shoulder – the one that hadn’t been dislocated in the bombing - through his suit jacket. “You’re doing the damn budget estimates for the damage done to the streets and sewers. It can wait.” When Ianto looked to object Jack leaned down and kissed his head. “The work is getting done. Right now no one gives a damn how much it will cost. What you’re doing can wait until after you’ve slept.”
Ianto hung his head, part in defeat and part because Jack was working out a massive knot between his neck and shoulder and it felt too good not to let him. “I’m okay, Jack.”
Jack slid his hands around Ianto’s chest and hugged him tightly to him. “No you aren’t. You haven’t slept in over sixty hours. It was only ten hours ago that they put out the last of the flames that destroyed your city. It was only thirty hours ago that you lost two of your best friends. You’re not okay, but that is okay right now.” Jack loosened his hold and stepped back, spinning Ianto’s chair to so that Ianto faced him. “You have to rest –“
“I went home last night, Jack. I rested.” Ianto crossed his arms over his chest, his anger starting to rise no matter how much he tried to battle it down.
“You went home, but you didn’t rest! You didn’t sleep –“
“I slept!” Ianto cut him off again.
“For what? Half an hour?” Jack challenged. “I checked your phone records. Gwen couldn’t figure out why half the things she thought she needed to do today were done. Turns out you were up all night getting them done for her. Between your mobile and your house phone your longest time you were not on the phone between the time you left here yesterday and the time you came back here this morning was thirty-eight minutes. That’s not sleeping. That’s barely napping.”
“I wasn’t counting on you figuring to check my home phone records,” Ianto admitted with a wry grin.
“That’s because sleep deprivation screws with your thinking,” Jack said as he knelt in front of Ianto. His eyebrows drew together as he saw Ianto squeeze his eyes tightly shut and a single tear escape. “What is it?” He wiped Ianto’s cheek. “Hey, I’m not mad, I’m just worried. You need to sleep. The work will be here when you wake up.”
Ianto angrily batted away the tears on his eyelashes. “I slept last night, Jack. I fell asleep waiting for someone at the MP’s office to ring back. The nightmares… I was so glad the ringing of my mobile woke me back up.”
Jack nodded. “I understand.”
Ianto ducked his head and tried to hide his face. “I’m sorry.”
Jack reached up and gently pulled Ianto’s head down to him. He gently kissed Ianto’s lips, trying to show him the love and compassion that the insanity of the last few days had denied them both. Ianto’s lips were cool, like he’d been sucking on ice cubes. Jack tenderly pressed his lips to Ianto’s, just resting there, trying to warm the cold skin. When Ianto finally pulled back, seemingly calm again, Jack whispered, “Let me take you downstairs and put you to bed.”
“I can get myself home and –“
This time Jack cut him off. “I’m not a hundred percent sure of that right now. Besides, I want to. I did sleep last night.” The less said about the rest he’d gotten for the past two thousand years, the better.
Ianto sighed and didn’t argue. It was all the capitulation his pride would allow. He knew that he didn’t have to worry about Jack seeing him as weak, but he was so far past tired that all his defenses were up and he was having an exceedingly difficult time shoving them back down even though he knew, intellectually, that he didn’t need them anymore.
“Come on,” Jack said with a soft kiss to the top of his head.
Ianto let himself be pulled up and turned his hand to hold Jack’s in return as Jack led him to the hole in his office floor.
Jack descended the ladder first, waiting below to help guide Ianto, whose fatigue made him a little uncoordinated and shaky.
“I’m just going to go clean up,” Ianto nodded towards the small bathroom in Jack’s quarters.
“Let me,” Jack said, steering Ianto to the bed. “Sit down. Let me take care of you.”
“Jack, I – I…”
Jack pulled Ianto close and kissed away whatever objection Ianto was trying to form. “Let me. Please.”
Once again, Ianto agreed by not disagreeing any more.
Jack sat him on the edge of the bed. He knelt down and began untying Ianto’s shoes. “How about you just close your eyes and listen to me for a bit, okay?”
Ianto gave him a look, but finally allowed his eyes to drift shut.
“When Gwen first said that she couldn’t go on after losing Tosh and Owen, my very first thought was that if she really, really, truly felt that way, I could let her go. She’d have Rhys and her job as a police officer, and really, if she wanted to go, it would be okay. My second thought was that if you were to make the same decision, I’d do everything that wouldn’t make you hate me to get you to change your mind.”
Jack pulled off Ianto’s shoes and gently massaged his feet through his socks. “I need you on both a personal and professional level right now.” He slid forward between Ianto’s knees and carefully unbuttoned the tiny collar buttons before unknotting Ianto’s tie. “You’ve been taking remarkable care of me and Gwen these past few days. There’s been food and coffee when we need it. When Gwen spontaneously bursts into tears because her computer’s acting up or she starts to ask Owen something before realizing he isn’t here, you’ve been there for her. You’ve been there for me. When I needed to talk yesterday… You’re an amazing listener, Ianto. I know that doesn’t sound like much of a compliment, but trust me, few people in all the people I’ve ever met understand the value of simply letting someone else talk so they can work things out for themselves.”
“I was scared for you,” Ianto admitted quietly as he let Jack raise one arm and slip it out of his jacket. “When you said you’d been buried for so long… I couldn’t imagine what that would do to your state of mind. I was so afraid that even though you lived that I’d lose you in a whole different way.” He used his free hand to wipe his eyes, not sure that the tears were from the fatigue, the relief that Jack was okay or the fear he’d felt that afternoon when he’d heard Jack explain how he’d ended up in that drawer.
Jack pulled Ianto’s jacket off the other arm and draped it over the end of the bed. He wrapped his arms around Ianto and pulled him in for a gentle kiss. “Like I said after the first four or five times my mouth and nose were so full of dirt I couldn’t take that first breath. No breath, no consciousness. Other than my brief little chat with Alice and her boy toy, the whole thing lasted about an hour and a half for me.”
Ianto nodded, squeezing Jack’s hand to remind himself that Jack was there, and okay.
Jack unbuttoned Ianto’s other cuff, rubbing Ianto’s hand as he released it. “And as much as you were worried about me, you didn’t ask a thousand questions yesterday. You just let me talk and, I guess, assumed I’d answer all your questions eventually. It’s why I like having you as the public face up in the tourist office. You just have this amazing way with people. Even the loud obnoxious ones who think that if something goes wrong while they’re on holiday that the ‘tourist office’ is for tourists to go and complain to.”
Ianto laughed a little before sobering quickly. “It’s going to be a long time before anyone comes to Cardiff on holiday now, Jack.” He took a deep breath and wrestled down his grief for his city.
Jack gently squeezed his shoulders. “I know. But we’ll help make things right. It’ll take time, but we’ll make things right.” Jack began slowly unbuttoning Ianto’s shirt, letting his hands slide down Ianto’s chest, gently stroking over the skin revealed as he undid each button. “You’re the most determined person I’ve ever met. You’ll make sure everything is set right again.” Jack took Ianto’s face in his hands and pressed his lips against Ianto’s again, this time gently exploring Ianto’s lips with the tip of his tongue. “I don’t think you know how to quit. You took care of Lisa even though, deep down, I think you knew she couldn’t be saved. You hunted me down – using a pterodactyl as bait – to continue working for Torchwood. An organization that tossed you out like so much bad bathwater after nearly getting you killed or worse.”
Ianto pulled his arms out of his sleeves as Jack pushed his open shirt down. “Torchwood’s really all I’ve known. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to call a career. I was a waiter and a bookseller and I even worked for an undertaker for a while. But nothing for more than a few months and nothing that was more than just a job. I’d lost everything at Canary Wharf; I couldn’t stand to lose that too.”
Jack quickly untied his own boots and kicked them off, going behind Ianto and sitting behind him on the bed. Ianto was now down to his trousers and socks. Jack sat behind him and slid his arms around Ianto’s waist and unbuckled his belt and undid the button and zip. He nudged Ianto to stand up and let his trousers slide off. Ianto did so and pulled off his socks. He shoved the socks in his shoes and draped his pants at the end of the bed where Jack had put his shirt and jacket.
Once he was seated again, Jack rummaged in a bedside drawer until he came up with some plain hand lotion. He poured some into one palm and then rubbed his hands together to warm it. “Sit still, head down,” Jack told him quietly as he began to stroke Ianto’s bare skin with his slicked hands. Once most of the lotion was worked in, he began a to give him a massage in earnest, still carefull of the bad shoulder and the assorted bruises still peppering Ianto’s body from the building collapse. “It always amazed me that you never balked at any of the menial tasks I gave you those first few months. Or even the one Suzie gave you. She was the one – by the way – who decided you should be the one to deal with the dead bodies. I guess she didn’t know you’d worked at the mortuary.”
“Were you trying to run me out?” Ianto asked and Jack could tell that he could play the comment as a jest or answer honestly. Ianto would take whatever answer Jack gave him.
“Yes,” he said simply. “After we went our separate ways from that warehouse, I decided that I had made a huge mistake. I wasn’t sure if I was trying to protect us from ‘Torchwood One’s terrible influence’ or protect you from… well, ‘Torchwood’s terrible influence’. Or possibly just my terrible influence. But you didn’t care. You picked up the pizza boxes and disfigured corpses so we could fob them off as someone who’d not actually been killed by an alien and then made us all coffee.”
“I had to, didn’t I?” Ianto’s voice was quiet, still afraid of the consequences of what he’d done to try and help Lisa.
“Maybe at first. And even then, you never let the snide and obnoxious things Suzie and Owen said to or about you get to you. Hell even the day you came back after Lisa, you held your head up. You never let them make you feel like less than they were because you were the one to stay back here when we went out to capture whatever-the-hell the Rift belched at us this time.”
“Well, I did shoot Owen for calling me the teaboy and part time shag,” Ianto said, turning his head and giving Jack a wry grin.
“You shot him for insisting on opening the Rift,” Jack corrected, knowing that Ianto still felt caught between doing what Jack would have wanted him to and having to wound a colleague. “And you were right to do that. And Owen better have been damn glad it was you who heard him say that, because I wouldn’t have aimed for his shoulder when I shot him. He would have had his last shag long before that asshole at the Pharm shot him.”
Ianto huffed out a short laugh. It was good to note that they were finally reaching a place where they could say Tosh or Owen’s names without stopping themselves or feeling gut-wrenching pain and guilt.
“And even when Owen was at his most idiotic, you just told him to get stuffed and took care of us. All of us. And you still do. You have eight billion other responsibilities now, but you still order the sandwiches and make the coffee and make sure there’s paper towels in the loo. You could have told us all to take our turns on the scut work ages ago, but you didn’t. You’ve taken the cleaning up and day-to-day minutiae as part of your job responsibility. And you have never shirked responsibility a day in your life, have you?” Jack folded a pillow in half and gave it to Ianto before bending him forward over his knees so that Jack could work on a few stubborn knots in his lower back.
“I try not to,” Ianto answered. “Sometimes it feels like there’s so much to do. That there’s no way everything will get done, that something will fall through the cracks no matter how hard I try.”
Jack rearranged himself so that he could slide closer, molding himself to Ianto’s back. “Sometimes you forget that you aren’t doing this all on your own.” Jack gently pet Ianto’s hair. “You aren’t alone. I’m right here.”
Ianto nodded and turned and curled himself against Jack’s chest. Part of him felt ridiculous for being in nothing but his shorts while Jack was still completely dressed, but the other part of him wanted so desperately to take comfort where it was offered, because he never knew if it would be again. Comfort wasn’t a given. Someone to take care of him while he took care of others wasn’t a guarantee.
“The last time…” Ianto stopped and coughed. His voice was rough with both fatigue and tears. “The last time there was no one to help. I learned to manage alone. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that it doesn’t always have to be like that.”
Jack hugged him tight and rocked him back and forth. “You did everything you could for Lisa. You only had her welfare at heart. I do know that now. I’m quickly learning that when you love someone you do it wholeheartedly. You don’t do anything by halves. You weren’t trying to put anyone in danger, you just wanted to save her.”
“I was so afraid that if I lost her, I’d have no one,” Ianto admitted as he lost the battle and tears once more streaked down his cheeks.
“I know. And I know that I didn’t do anything to make you feel any differently. I’m sorry for how we all treated you back then Ianto. I’m so sorry. Maybe if we’d – if I’d included you more, maybe you would have been able to tell me about her. And… I don’t know, maybe I could have helped, I doubt it, really, but maybe. But I didn’t give you a reason to trust me with the life of the person you loved most.” Jack held him close and snuggled his face into Ianto’s hair.
“I couldn’t do it alone a second time, Jack,” Ianto said after a long silence. “I couldn’t stand losing another team and finding myself all alone again. I couldn’t…” Ianto tried to reign in his emotions, but the truth was he still hadn’t given himself time or permission to really and truly grieve for Tosh and Owen. Whenever he’d thought about it he’d told himself that there were thousands of people in Wales without homes or power or who’d lost someone in an explosion that they’d had nothing to do with. He needed to get them all sorted before giving in to his own grief. And in the few seconds he allowed himself to be selfish, he was able to admit to himself that he wanted Jack to be there when he finally broke down. Once he’d gotten Lisa sequestered, he’d holed up and cried into his knees for hours for everything that had been lost at Canary Wharf. And as much as he feared for what had happened and what would happen to Lisa, he couldn’t ignore the little voice that insisted that crying into his own knees only made it hurt worse for the constant reminder that there was no one there to hold him.
Now he was pressed tight against Jack, his tears staining Jack’s shirt. His knees came up as he felt himself giving in to the sobs he’d swallowed for so long. He was barely aware of the way Jack was turning him and arranging him, tucking his head more securely under Jack’s chin. He felt himself shaking, but Jack’s arms were warm and steady around him, and he could hear Jack whispering quiet nonsense directly into his ear.
His hands closed around Jack’s shirt and braces and pride be damned, he gave into the shamelessness of his need and sobbed for all that had gone so horribly wrong in his reasonably short life. He cried again for Lisa, knowing that Jack may not appreciate being used for comfort in that particular case, despite his words. He cried for Tosh and Owen, taken far too soon. Hell, Owen and he had finally been making peace – ganging up to tease Jack - and helping each other with work as needed, without Jack having to order it. And Owen was finally starting to make peace with what his life had become as some kind of Torchwood-induced zombie. Tosh was just a few years older than he was. Her contract to Torchwood was almost over, but she’d already confided in Ianto that she’d planned to stay on. He cried for the three-hundred and nineteen people who had been injured and the ninety-two who had died when a series of bombs did their level best to destroy Cardiff. He bit his lip as the list of names he’d retrieved from the hospital and police headquarters scrolled through his cursed eidetic memory.
And Jack… he’d thought he had lost Jack twice now. The first time to his Doctor and then more recently to his brother. “I-I thought y-you,” his sobs distorted his speech so badly that Jack had lean close to try and understand him. Ianto took a deep breath forcing himself to get the sentence out clearly. “I thought you were gone too.”
Jack tightened his hold even more. “I know. I’m sorry. But I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed Ianto’s forehead. “I should have had you stay here last night, eh?” Jack shook his head against Ianto’s. “I thought you’d sleep better in your own bed. I wanted to get a few more things done and I wanted you to sleep.”
Ianto had no idea what to say to that. That it was okay? That he understood? Maybe it was and maybe he did, but all he knew was that now that the stopper was out of his emotional bottle and there was no way he was going to be getting it back in any time soon.
Jack held him, rocked him and whispered quiet words of love and comfort as Ianto finally let go.
It felt like hours before he finally took a deep hiccupping breath and felt himself calm. If he hadn’t been so damn tired he would have smiled when he realized he had a whole new definition – not to mention appreciation – for ‘catharisis.’
He tried to pull himself away from Jack’s secure embrace. As good as it felt, as much as he needed it, he was starting to feel a little ashamed for coming so completely undone. But Jack gathered him back in whispering, “Shh,” and “Not yet.”
So Ianto relaxed and leaned his head back against Jack’s shoulder. Just as he was going to reach up and dry his eyes with the back of his hand, Jack was there. He’d managed reach over and pull a clean t-shirt from his dresser and was using the soft cotton to wipe Ianto’s eyes and cheeks. “Shhh…” he whispered.
Ianto found himself forcing his eyes to open, jerking himself awake when he started to drift. But Jack just held him and whispered quietly, telling him that it was safe to sleep, that the worst was over. Eventually he couldn’t fight it anymore, his eyes slid closed and even though he was still awake, he just couldn’t be arsed to force them open again.
Jack held him for a good ten minutes after he figured Jack had to take him for completely unconscious. Then he felt himself being turned and stretched out on the bed. The double bed Ianto had ordered and installed a few months ago as his way to prove to Jack that he had, in fact, forgiven him for running off with the Doctor. There were new pillows and a warm duvet now, which beat the hell out of that crappy campbed Jack had attempted to squeeze them both into a few times. A few times that had always resulted in someone rolling out of bed and onto the floor with a thump each night. No, this was infinitely better, Ianto thought as Jack gently turned him onto his side and pulled the quilt up around him.
Ianto mustered up the energy to wiggle just enough to get comfortable and to pull Jack’s pillow around and hug it to his chest.
He felt Jack lay behind him. The blankets and Jack’s clothes were between them, but that was all well and good. Ianto didn’t think he was up for anything besides a very long sleep at the moment. And yet, he still felt bereft when he heard the springs creak as Jack got up. He felt colder.
One more tear managed to make its escape as Ianto resigned himself to sleeping alone.
He jumped as the bed dipped with Jack’s unexpected return. “Just one more second, then you can sleep as long as you want,” Jack whispered as he tugged on Ianto’s arm. Ianto let Jack pull him over onto his back, but didn’t open his eyes. Therefore it was a bit shocking to feel a warm flannel on his cheek. Jack carefully wiped away the tearstains on his cheeks before gently running the cloth over the rest of Ianto’s face and then carefully over each hand, symbolically wiping away the dust and debris of the last few days. “There’s this poem or prayer or something I heard once a long time ago. Part of sounds like really good advice right now,” Jack said as he tenderly washed each of Ianto’s fingers. “’Be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should’.” Ianto heard a soft ‘plop’ as Jack tossed the flannel away. “There’s a lot more, but that’s the part that always seemed to help me the most while I waited for the Doctor.”
Jack tucked him back in again once again left the bed and Ianto could feel the last hard-won vestiges of alertness slip away. Ianto sighed, thinking about the words Jack had quoted. That had always been the problem for him, hadn’t it? Why had he survived Canary Wharf? Why had he survived Gray’s attack on Cardiff? What right had he to live when so many other innocent people died? Maybe it was, as Jack had said, because he was there to help others. Maybe if he’d died at Canary Wharf the death total from the bombings here would have been doubled or worse. Chances were very good that if he’d attempted to take Owen’s place at the nuclear power station, he would have died before arriving on account of all the Weevils. Then who the hell knew how many people would have died in a nuclear meltdown. Maybe Jack was right. Maybe the Universe had other plans for him. He wondered if Jack knew something he didn’t. After all Jack was from three thousand years in the future.
Too much thinking was compounding his lingering headache and he made a conscious decision to stop. To just stop thinking. To stop second-guessing. To stop blaming himself for things that were beyond his control. And he realized in that moment that he needed to stop killing himself trying to fix things he didn’t break. He had a job and he’d do it well, but it really wouldn’t mean the end of life as he knew it if he stopped for a cup of coffee or a change of clothes. Or a few hours sleep.
The last thing he was aware of was the whispering of cloth and the blankets being shuffled about and then Jack’s arms sliding around him as Ianto finally allowed himself to drop off, secure in the knowledge that Jack would be there if – when - the nightmares started. And he knew that when he woke to the nightmare of the destruction of his city and his team, he’d be in a much better place to start rebuilding both.
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(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 01:14 am (UTC)I don't normally comment because my comments only consist of lame platitudes like wow, that was great and good job but i had to comment on this.
This was perfect. Heart breaking and very real. Thank you for sharing. =)
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Date: 2008-07-13 01:23 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-13 01:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 01:39 am (UTC)I am glad that Jack was there to take care of him---he is what Ianto needed and well, still needs.
Thanks for writing and allowing us to read! :D
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Date: 2008-07-13 01:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 01:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 02:01 am (UTC)Congratulations on an amazing Job.
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Date: 2008-07-13 02:14 am (UTC)(no subject)
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Date: 2008-07-13 04:25 am (UTC)Thank you for writing this.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 04:36 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 04:43 am (UTC)While it's absolutely heartbreaking, at the same time it has a lot of hope.
This fic is an actual perfect character study of Ianto. Him needing to take care of everyone he cares about and putting a strong front is to me one of his most significant characteristics and in this it rings true.
This should have been part of "Exit wounds", it's exactly what the episode was lacking.
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Date: 2008-07-13 04:47 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 07:08 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-07-13 07:54 am (UTC)I love your fic
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Date: 2008-07-13 08:12 am (UTC)GW
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Date: 2009-02-06 05:59 pm (UTC)Gxxx