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waldos_writingsTitle: From the Diary of Daniel Jackson - Enemy Within
Posted on or about: August 11, 2000
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jack/Daniel, eventually
Word Count: 1689
Summary: For the first time since the original Abydos mission, Daniel can start keeping a Journal again.
Okay... um.... When I opened the ‘Gate, I had no idea what was behind it. And now that I know, I wonder if I would have done it, had I known first. No one would ever say they agree with me - so I’m not going to say anything and thereby avoid the argument - but it’s my fault Jack’s friend died.
From what he’s said, Jack knew Kawalsky from the time they were both Lieutenants. They were best friends, I could see that without having to be told. And because I got all keyed up about visiting ancient worlds, he’s dead now.
Uh... hmm... it’s little wonder I can’t seem to think of what to say to him, if I can’t even think of what to write in my own journal.
Um... The funeral was this afternoon. I don’t see how people who have known this guy - and worked beside him and fought beside him - could just stand there and stare dispassionately as he was remembered.
I swore to myself I wouldn’t be the only person in the room crying, but as soon as I could make a passably acceptable exit, I ran for my office and locked the door behind me. Jack thinks I’m weak enough. I didn’t need for him to see that.
I didn’t know Kawalsky as well as a lot of people on the base, but we got along all right. After that first day on Abydos where he flattened me, that is. And I guess I had that coming. But, dammit, I liked him. And oddly enough he seemed to like me. In some ways he had that same quality about him that Sha’re had - able to tease me and poke fun at me without making me feel stupid. I’ll miss that. Kawalsky had this ability to make me laugh even when I really, really didn’t want to. I wonder if he ever lost someone the same way I lost Sha’re - well, not in the aliens-grabbed-her-and-stuck-a-parasidic-worm-in-her-guts same way, but... He always seemed to know how to help me cope. When to make me laugh and when to leave me alone... and once, when he quite literally found my office by accident, he just listened to me rant for a while. Never said a word. When I wound down he just looked at me and said, “Actually, when I saw you down here, I came by to see if you’d gone to lunch yet.” I laughed for like ten minutes after that.
There seems to be a little conspiracy to make sure I eat and sleep regularly. Sam turns red and gets royally pissed if she finds out I haven’t had anything but coffee for breakfast. Not that Jack usually lets that happen anyway. I would have never pegged him for the cooking kind, but better him than me. At least what he makes is edible. Sha’re tried to teach me to cook. Took about three weeks for her to give up.
God, I can’t even think of her without thinking about that damn thing inside her. Everything is completely tainted.
All I knew of what happened to Sha’re was that that damn thing was in her and it took over her mind and made her eyes glow. Watching Kawalsky fight it, watching the pain that he suffered only made me more scared for her. Maybe it’s different for her, maybe her Goa’uld is more mature, but I really don’t know if it is or not.
Jack is... Jack is scared. I think it’s the first time I haven’t seen that wonderful sunny, sarcastic nature he suddenly discovered after the first Abydos mission.
He really changed after that. And to be very honest, I like this Jack O’Neill much better than that one. I hope to god things like this don’t undo whatever he did.
I guess I have to admit to being scared too. I mean, hell, if Kawalsky brought back a Goa’uld without knowing it, how do I know I haven’t? Well, I mean, Dr. Fraiser ran CT scans on all of us who have gone through the ‘Gate, so I know I’m clear now... but every time we go through the ‘Gate... are we at risk?
Jack was this... island... during the whole thing. He sat apart from the rest of us watching the surgery through his fingers. I know he isn’t squeamish, he just hated seeing what his friend had to go through. I wanted to do something but when I moved towards him, everything about him just screamed, “Stay away!” He wouldn’t even look at me. I guess maybe he blames me too. So I sat with Dr. Carter and focused on the implications of removing the parasite in Kawalsky... what it would mean for Sha’re and Skaara.
I know I was the idiot who volunteered for one of those things not more than a week ago, but now that I see what it does to you and can make you do... no thanks.
I wish I knew what to say to Jack. He just kind of mopes around the house now - yes, he still drags me to his house most nights. It’s been four days, and I don’t think I’ve seen a hockey game or football game on since Kawalsky died. He spends hours on the roof, but hasn’t tried to drag me up there lately. Guess he wants to be left alone. I want to say or do something, but if I had to guess, he’s buried more friends than I’ve ever made, so I really don’t have grounds to try and understand. I want to ask if he holds me responsible, but I’m too damn afraid of the answer. I try to see that he still lets me stay with him, that he still comes down to grab me to eat lunch with him and Dr. Carter as good signs, but I’m not sure. And I’m too much of a coward to ask.
The night before the funeral he didn’t come looking for me. I guess he needed some time to himself to get ready for the funeral or something. So I stayed on base. Jack makes it seem like such a hardship for me to stay here, in the mountain. He should see the conditions of some of the digs I’ve been on. It really is no big deal if he wants his house to himself. I mean, on Abydos, they don’t believe in pillows for sleeping. Made me kind of crazy, but they just don’t have the raw materials for stuffing. So I figure, since I've managed to commandeer two extra pillows and an extra blanket, it’s not so bad here. No bugs, temperature controlled, someone else does the cooking... He doesn’t have to put up with me all the time. I think he forgot that I lived here for two weeks before the original mission, it’s not so bad here. And it’s not like I can get kicked out for not paying my rent.
I guess Jack just needs to work through this on his own, and as someone who’s worked through all the crap life can hand you on his own, I know how much that can suck. But I don’t think I’m qualified to help much here. Maybe he can talk to Dr. Carter.
Finding that body in the bunk room has been enough to kick all my nightmares into gear again. The first couple months on Abydos I dreamed about that Jaffa I killed - mixed in a with a life I wouldn't wish on anyone, but after a while they just faded out. I expected them to come back straight away with all the new material I’d given them, what with Sha’re becoming a Goa’uld, Abydos being attacked by Aphophis, Chulak going to hell...
But they didn’t. Until I was too damn tired to dream anything anyway and went to pass out and found that my bunkie was a stiff. God, I sound like Jack when I talk that way. I have a room clear down at the far end of the complex, close to the surface. There are troop barracks closer to my office. I just couldn’t be bothered to take the walk down to my room since it really makes little difference to me where I sleep as long as it’s dark and fairly quiet. So I crashed in the barracks. Or tried to...
I think I am the living embodiment of the phrase, “If the guy didn’t have bad luck he wouldn’t have any luck at all.” When I turned on the light and discovered that body, I went flying out into the hall like the damn thing was chasing me until I literally ran into someone. And then I did something remarkably dumb. For no reason I can readily determine, my brain kicked in in Abydonian. So I was trying to explain to this Black Beret guy that there was a dead guy in the sleeping quarters - in Ancient Egyptian. I spoke English for a lot longer than I spoke Egyptian... just not recently...
I am never going to fit in.
I used to wake up screaming from nightmares when I was little. But after getting bounced around a few foster homes for waking everyone up, I conditioned myself not to make any noise. And if I can’t get the images out of my head once I’m awake, I’ve learned to cry into my pillow so no one hears me. This has been serving me well while I’m staying with Jack. I don’t need him knowing how much all this disturbs me. I don’t know how well he’s sleeping after all this, but I don’t want to be responsible for making it worse.
Tomorrow we leave for our first ‘standard recon mission.’ I should probably tell Jack that I don’t exactly know what that means. I wonder if the base has a library. Maybe there are some... field manuals or something I can study so I don’t come off as ignorant as I am.
Dr. Carter would know. I’ll ask her when we get back from P3A-575.
Posted on or about: August 11, 2000
Rating: PG
Pairing: Jack/Daniel, eventually
Word Count: 1689
Summary: For the first time since the original Abydos mission, Daniel can start keeping a Journal again.
Okay... um.... When I opened the ‘Gate, I had no idea what was behind it. And now that I know, I wonder if I would have done it, had I known first. No one would ever say they agree with me - so I’m not going to say anything and thereby avoid the argument - but it’s my fault Jack’s friend died.
From what he’s said, Jack knew Kawalsky from the time they were both Lieutenants. They were best friends, I could see that without having to be told. And because I got all keyed up about visiting ancient worlds, he’s dead now.
Uh... hmm... it’s little wonder I can’t seem to think of what to say to him, if I can’t even think of what to write in my own journal.
Um... The funeral was this afternoon. I don’t see how people who have known this guy - and worked beside him and fought beside him - could just stand there and stare dispassionately as he was remembered.
I swore to myself I wouldn’t be the only person in the room crying, but as soon as I could make a passably acceptable exit, I ran for my office and locked the door behind me. Jack thinks I’m weak enough. I didn’t need for him to see that.
I didn’t know Kawalsky as well as a lot of people on the base, but we got along all right. After that first day on Abydos where he flattened me, that is. And I guess I had that coming. But, dammit, I liked him. And oddly enough he seemed to like me. In some ways he had that same quality about him that Sha’re had - able to tease me and poke fun at me without making me feel stupid. I’ll miss that. Kawalsky had this ability to make me laugh even when I really, really didn’t want to. I wonder if he ever lost someone the same way I lost Sha’re - well, not in the aliens-grabbed-her-and-stuck-a-parasidic-worm-in-her-guts same way, but... He always seemed to know how to help me cope. When to make me laugh and when to leave me alone... and once, when he quite literally found my office by accident, he just listened to me rant for a while. Never said a word. When I wound down he just looked at me and said, “Actually, when I saw you down here, I came by to see if you’d gone to lunch yet.” I laughed for like ten minutes after that.
There seems to be a little conspiracy to make sure I eat and sleep regularly. Sam turns red and gets royally pissed if she finds out I haven’t had anything but coffee for breakfast. Not that Jack usually lets that happen anyway. I would have never pegged him for the cooking kind, but better him than me. At least what he makes is edible. Sha’re tried to teach me to cook. Took about three weeks for her to give up.
God, I can’t even think of her without thinking about that damn thing inside her. Everything is completely tainted.
All I knew of what happened to Sha’re was that that damn thing was in her and it took over her mind and made her eyes glow. Watching Kawalsky fight it, watching the pain that he suffered only made me more scared for her. Maybe it’s different for her, maybe her Goa’uld is more mature, but I really don’t know if it is or not.
Jack is... Jack is scared. I think it’s the first time I haven’t seen that wonderful sunny, sarcastic nature he suddenly discovered after the first Abydos mission.
He really changed after that. And to be very honest, I like this Jack O’Neill much better than that one. I hope to god things like this don’t undo whatever he did.
I guess I have to admit to being scared too. I mean, hell, if Kawalsky brought back a Goa’uld without knowing it, how do I know I haven’t? Well, I mean, Dr. Fraiser ran CT scans on all of us who have gone through the ‘Gate, so I know I’m clear now... but every time we go through the ‘Gate... are we at risk?
Jack was this... island... during the whole thing. He sat apart from the rest of us watching the surgery through his fingers. I know he isn’t squeamish, he just hated seeing what his friend had to go through. I wanted to do something but when I moved towards him, everything about him just screamed, “Stay away!” He wouldn’t even look at me. I guess maybe he blames me too. So I sat with Dr. Carter and focused on the implications of removing the parasite in Kawalsky... what it would mean for Sha’re and Skaara.
I know I was the idiot who volunteered for one of those things not more than a week ago, but now that I see what it does to you and can make you do... no thanks.
I wish I knew what to say to Jack. He just kind of mopes around the house now - yes, he still drags me to his house most nights. It’s been four days, and I don’t think I’ve seen a hockey game or football game on since Kawalsky died. He spends hours on the roof, but hasn’t tried to drag me up there lately. Guess he wants to be left alone. I want to say or do something, but if I had to guess, he’s buried more friends than I’ve ever made, so I really don’t have grounds to try and understand. I want to ask if he holds me responsible, but I’m too damn afraid of the answer. I try to see that he still lets me stay with him, that he still comes down to grab me to eat lunch with him and Dr. Carter as good signs, but I’m not sure. And I’m too much of a coward to ask.
The night before the funeral he didn’t come looking for me. I guess he needed some time to himself to get ready for the funeral or something. So I stayed on base. Jack makes it seem like such a hardship for me to stay here, in the mountain. He should see the conditions of some of the digs I’ve been on. It really is no big deal if he wants his house to himself. I mean, on Abydos, they don’t believe in pillows for sleeping. Made me kind of crazy, but they just don’t have the raw materials for stuffing. So I figure, since I've managed to commandeer two extra pillows and an extra blanket, it’s not so bad here. No bugs, temperature controlled, someone else does the cooking... He doesn’t have to put up with me all the time. I think he forgot that I lived here for two weeks before the original mission, it’s not so bad here. And it’s not like I can get kicked out for not paying my rent.
I guess Jack just needs to work through this on his own, and as someone who’s worked through all the crap life can hand you on his own, I know how much that can suck. But I don’t think I’m qualified to help much here. Maybe he can talk to Dr. Carter.
Finding that body in the bunk room has been enough to kick all my nightmares into gear again. The first couple months on Abydos I dreamed about that Jaffa I killed - mixed in a with a life I wouldn't wish on anyone, but after a while they just faded out. I expected them to come back straight away with all the new material I’d given them, what with Sha’re becoming a Goa’uld, Abydos being attacked by Aphophis, Chulak going to hell...
But they didn’t. Until I was too damn tired to dream anything anyway and went to pass out and found that my bunkie was a stiff. God, I sound like Jack when I talk that way. I have a room clear down at the far end of the complex, close to the surface. There are troop barracks closer to my office. I just couldn’t be bothered to take the walk down to my room since it really makes little difference to me where I sleep as long as it’s dark and fairly quiet. So I crashed in the barracks. Or tried to...
I think I am the living embodiment of the phrase, “If the guy didn’t have bad luck he wouldn’t have any luck at all.” When I turned on the light and discovered that body, I went flying out into the hall like the damn thing was chasing me until I literally ran into someone. And then I did something remarkably dumb. For no reason I can readily determine, my brain kicked in in Abydonian. So I was trying to explain to this Black Beret guy that there was a dead guy in the sleeping quarters - in Ancient Egyptian. I spoke English for a lot longer than I spoke Egyptian... just not recently...
I am never going to fit in.
I used to wake up screaming from nightmares when I was little. But after getting bounced around a few foster homes for waking everyone up, I conditioned myself not to make any noise. And if I can’t get the images out of my head once I’m awake, I’ve learned to cry into my pillow so no one hears me. This has been serving me well while I’m staying with Jack. I don’t need him knowing how much all this disturbs me. I don’t know how well he’s sleeping after all this, but I don’t want to be responsible for making it worse.
Tomorrow we leave for our first ‘standard recon mission.’ I should probably tell Jack that I don’t exactly know what that means. I wonder if the base has a library. Maybe there are some... field manuals or something I can study so I don’t come off as ignorant as I am.
Dr. Carter would know. I’ll ask her when we get back from P3A-575.