Coping Universe I: To Strive (4/4)
Jun. 27th, 2004 07:48 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waldos_writingsCoping Universe I: To Strive
By Waldo.
Part 4/4, See Part 0 for notes and disclaimers
I wasn't there when they took him off the
ventilator. The President and Leo were, though,
and that was good on multiple levels. Leo's been
a friend of Josh's family for longer than I've
known him. And having an ill President make the
trip to your bedside has to be good for morale.
Leo called me after he'd woken up and
gone right back to sleep. He told me to hand
whatever I was working on to Toby and come back
down.
There were still a lot of machines but
without the respirator Josh looked so much better
and much less… overwhelmed. Much less fragile.
They'd taken the President back to his
own room before I got there, but Leo was waiting
for me with a mile wide grin.
"How is he?" I almost didn't have to ask with a smile like that.
"He wants to know 'What's next?'"
I felt an answering smile take over my
face and let myself truly believe for the first
time that he'd really be okay. I fairly skipped
past Leo to get in to see him. Leo grabbed me as
I grabbed the door handle. "He's sleeping now.
The doctors say he's going to do a lot of that
for the next few days. But I'm sure he'll be
happy to see you when he wakes up again."
I forced myself to calm down a little.
Josh has accused me of bouncing when I'm in a
good mood. I don't bounce. I may get a little
spring in my step, but I don't bounce. I
figured, either way, Josh wouldn't appreciate me
jostling him on accident right now, so I took a
few deep breaths and shoved my hands in my
pockets.
As I moved to his bedside Leo said, "I'll
tell Toby and Kathy that you're out for the day
and that you probably won't be in until ten or so
tomorrow."
"Ten? Leo, I can't - I have - "
"See him. Then when he goes back to
sleep, you go home and sleep yourself."
I started to argue. The office was
already short one President and one Deputy Chief
of Staff. As soon as I opened my mouth Leo cut
me off again.
"How much sleep have you gotten since Monday night?"
I shut my mouth and looked at my shoes.
"How much?"
"Three or four hours."
"In more than two days?!"
Great. Now Leo was mad at me. I so didn't need that.
"See him and go home. And I'm telling
Kathy that if she sees you anywhere in the
building tomorrow before noon, she's to call
Secret Service and have your ass tossed out."
With that Leo was gone and I was alone
with Josh. I sat in the chair next to his bed
and stroked his hair. It was becoming a habit
and I wasn't sure if it was to more of a comfort
for him or me. His eyes opened a slit when I
touched him and I realized Leo's admonishment of
me had woken him up.
I leaned in close and spoke quietly,
"Hey. Don't worry about all that. Leo's just
being everyone's dad until the President feels up
to doing it again."
He actually smiled for about a half
second before scrunching up his face, worry
taking over before amusement really could.
Oh hell, he didn't know.
"Everyone's fine, Josh. Now that you're
going to be okay, everyone's fine." I took his
hand in both of mine and stood up to perch on the
edge of his bed so he could see me better. "The
President was hit in the side, but he's already
up and checking on you. And if I had to guess
he's probably giving Leo the lecture he just gave
me right about now. Everyone's okay.
"Sam?"
His voice was so strained, like he'd been
shouting for days. I knew it was from the tube
and would heal up, but I've always liked Josh's
voice - the way he said 'ah-kay' for 'okay' and
the gentle tones of his New England upbringing -
and the raspieness made him sound awful. I
forced myself to remember how close he'd come to
never saying anything again and quit my mental
bitching.
"I'm here," I said softly, smiling for him.
"You look awful." He tried to smile, but
just then he was seized with the need to cough.
After the first cough his face went wide with
pain and he tried to swallow the remaining coughs.
He'd gone awfully pale and was panting in
an effort to avoid the painful coughs again. I
ran to the door and grabbed the first nurse I
saw. She came in and grabbed the extra pillow I
hadn't noticed on the bedside table. She handed
it to Josh and showed him how to hold it against
his chest to help splint the cough and mute the
pain a little. He still fought against it, but
his system just wouldn't be denied.
The first couple coughs were loud and raw
and it sounded like he was bringing up razor
blades or something. He gripped the pillow as
tightly as he could in his weakened state and his
eyes filled up from the pain. I watched as the
nurse coaxed him into wrapping his arms around
the pillow to give him some resistance and tried
to talk him into coughing and getting it over
with instead of fighting it.
"You have to do this to get better, Mr.
Lyman. I know it hurts, but you'll feel a lot
worse if you don't get this out."
I swear Josh called her a 'bitch' under
his breath and I had to turn away to hide my
face. I knew he'd think I was laughing at him,
at his pain, but nothing could be farther from
the truth. But hearing Josh sound like Josh made
my world look a whole lot brighter.
When he finally seemed to be over it, the
nurse fed him a few ice chips and then handed me
the cup. "He shouldn't over do it with these,
but they'll help his throat after something like
that."
I nodded and sat down on the edge of the
bed as she left. Josh's face was wet with tears
and he had turned his head away from me, trying
to hide them.
"Want some more ice?" I asked trying to
coax him into looking back at me. My smile was
completely gone now, Josh was still clearly
hurting so badly.
A very short shake of his head was his
only response. I set the plastic cup back on the
table and hitched up closer to him very
carefully. I took a tissue from the box on the
bed-tray and wiped his eyes. "It's okay. It's
okay to cry. I know it hurts. I'll talk to the
nurse or the doctor before I go, but it sounded
like she was saying that you're going to need to
cough to get better - when my dad had his heart
attack he had to cough after the surgery to… I
don't know break up something in there, keep the
air moving right or something. Anyway, if you
need the pillow, just let me know. I'll hold it
for you. I'll do whatever you need to get
better, okay?" I was trailing my fingers up and
down his arm and when I got to his hand, he
turned his over and grabbed mine. "I'll stay," I
promised him. "I'll stay until you're sleeping,
okay? Then I'm going to go home and get a little
rest myself. In the morning I'll come see how
you're doing before I go in. Do you want me to
grab anything from your place for you?"
Another short shake of his head.
"Okay. Let me know if you come up with
anything. I've still got your spare key." I
tugged the blankets up around his shoulders and
made a mental note to tell the nurse that he'd
probably need at least one more. His fingers
were cold under mine.
Josh seemed drifting off a few minutes
later. His hand had gone lax under mine, but
when I started to get up to go, he tightened them
again. "I'm here. It's okay. I'm still here,"
I whispered.
I waited another half hour before
attempting to leave again. He didn't seem to be
aware of me tucking his hand back under the
blankets or kissing his temple as I left. I was
almost out the door, with the nagging feeling
that I was abandoning him, when I saw him clutch
the blanket with the hand I'd been holding. He
didn't move or wake, but it tore at me to walk
away with him clearly so afraid and in so much
pain.
I pulled a legal pad out of my briefcase
and scribbled "I'll be back in the morning. Sam,"
on it, folded it in half and slid it under his
hand where he'd see it and hopefully be able to
open it when he woke up. I was still standing
there, just watching him sleep, when the nurse
came in and said that my time was up. I nodded
and headed down to catch a cab home. It was only
three in the afternoon, but like I'd told Leo,
I'd had almost no sleep and what I had gotten was
in moving cars and my desk chair.
I called Ginger from the cab and had her
leave a message for all the Communication
assistants that someone needed to call me at ten
tomorrow and to keep calling me until I actually
woke up, answered the phone and was awake enough
to tell them to quit calling. After times like
this, I had a tendency to sleep through my alarm.
And there was no way in hell I was going to miss
my chance to see Josh before I had to be at work
again.
Josh woke up enough to say 'hi' the next
morning when I came in and then promptly went
back to sleep. I stayed for twenty minutes or
so, watching the news on his t.v. with the sound
off wondering what he'd say when he woke up
enough to see it.
It was half-way through Wednesday when I
got to work. Almost thirty-six hours exactly
since the shooting. Most people had settled down
a little and everyone seemed to have found enough
time to get home, get a little rest and change
clothes at least once since that night. Toby
told me that the President would be returning to
the residence later that day and resuming a work
schedule by the end of the week. We spent the
next hour in conference with C.J. and Leo on
whether or not the President should make a public
address once his doctor's cleared him.
We decided on a five minute taped piece
that would be delivered to the news agencies to
air Friday evening provided he felt up to it.
I was a little shocked when Toby asked me
to sit down and do the first draft of it. I
assumed we'd do it together or he'd want to
handle it. I was even more shocked when he said
that he felt that the President seemed to prefer
having me write for him, felt more comfortable
with my words and at this point we didn't want
him to feel that he had to spend a lot time
revising the comments.
It helped that it also gave me something
to focus on. I'd left Josh another note when
I'd left that morning telling him that I'd be
back in the evening and I'd told Kathy that I
wasn't taking any meetings that would keep me
past six o'clock. A small part of me was
resentful of the fact that it took something of
this magnitude for me to actually get out of the
office at something like a normal hour, but after
a fairly short internal debate I decided that I'd
rather work until midnight every night and have
Josh and the President right along side me.
At six-thirty I signed out and made my
way to my car. The going back and forth was
starting to wear on me. I'd gone home, as Leo
instructed, the night before, but I hadn't been
able to sleep worth a damn. The capacity the
human mind has for imagining trouble... What if
they accidentally give him the wrong medication?
What if a suture starts to leak and they have to
operate again? What if they don't catch the leak
in time? What if a blood clot goes to his brain?
I remember at least three distinct nightmares of
my phone ringing and someone telling me that I
needed to come to the hospital… but that there
was no need to rush, it was too late. When my
phone had rung to wake me up, I'd broken out in a
cold sweat and had an adrenaline rush that took
me fifteen minutes in a hot shower to get over.
I didn't even need coffee after that.
But he'd been resting peacefully that
morning and now I was on my way back to see him.
Donna was there when I arrived. Kathy
had said that she'd been let in to see him last
night after I'd left and had been leaving when
I'd been there that morning. But now something
was different. I could hear her voice carry
through the door and I could see Josh weakly
batting her hands away from where she was
pressing on his shoulders to keep him from trying
to sit up.
I pushed the door open and at the first
click of the handle Donna abandoned her fight
with Josh and ran over to push me out of the room.
"No, Sam, not now."
I pushed back, "Donna!"
"No! Look, Sam, he's tired, this isn't a good time - "
"That's why you're yelling at him so
loudly that I can hear you through the door?" I
tried to push past her again.
Donna stood her ground, "Look, there's no
way in hell I'm letting you in here if you're
gonna be like this."
"Donna!"
"No, I said -"
"donna..."
We both froze and looked up at Josh. His
voice was still raw and shallow, but he had both
of our attention.
And shortly thereafter he began to pay
for it. He groped around blindly with one hand
and clutched at his chest with the other and
began hacking. I physically shoved Donna aside
to get to him. She made an effort to get to him
first, but I was already in motion. I got to his
bedside and grabbed his pillow, I pressed it to
his chest and then sat him up to lean on my
shoulder while he coughed. I rubbed his back
with one hand and ran my fingers through his hair
with the other and whispered, "Easy, easy, shh…
it'll be okay," while he coughed.
He calmed after a minute and I lay him
back. "It's okay now." I helped him get settled
against the pillows and covered him with the
blankets again and then gently removed his hand
from where he'd gripped the thick bandages on his
chest. "Donna," I said firmly, "Please go see if
you can find his nurse and ask if he can have a
booster for the pain." He had a PCM, but the
display indicated that he had another 23 minutes
before he could use it again. Tears were
streaming down his face and his breaths were
quick and shallow and I was hoping there would be
something else they could do for him.
Looking like nothing more than a
frightened rabbit, Donna nodded and backed
towards the door.
Suddenly Josh grabbed my leg. "wait."
"Donna, hang on," I called out for him.
"talk to the nurse… then… get some dinner or something."
She started back for the bed. "Josh - "
"Donna," I cut her off, "He's asking you
to give us a little time. Okay? Please?"
Donna looked uncomfortable, but nodded
when she saw Josh nod at my interpretation.
"Yeah, okay," she finally conceeded.
She looked so dejected as she grabbed her
purse and headed for the door that I squeezed
Josh's arm and told him I'd be right back before
jumping up and going after her.
"Donna, stop," I called down the hall.
She stopped but didn't turn to face me. I caught
up to her. "Listen, Josh is really lucky to have
someone who cares for him so much looking out for
him now. But you don't have to do it alone. Let
me help too. And let Josh decide what he needs."
The stubborn set of her jaw relaxed
visibly and her shoulders sagged. "I know. I'm
sorry. I just - I don't know how to do this. I
want him to take it easy and rest and he - I just
-"
I gripped her shoulders and smiled just a little, "I know."
Donna moved forward just enough to see if
I'd step back. When I didn't she put her arms
around me in bear hug. "I was so scared when we
were waiting."
I hugged her back, "I know. We all were."
"I'm gonna go get Karen and then get a burger, do you want anything?"
I smiled at the peace offering. "Think
you can get twelve hours of sleep in a take-away
bag?"
"One large, strong coffee, got it." I
hugged her one last time before going back to
Josh.
I sat on the edge of his bed and held his
hand again. "We're okay; she's just worried
about you." Josh sighed and relaxed. We sat
silently for a few minutes. I held his hand and
stroked my thumb over his palm. Every once in a
while his breath would hitch and his whole body
would spasm in pain. I hoped Donna was quick
about finding his nurse.
After one such bout he took a very long
time to relax and when he finally opened his eyes
there was so much pain and confusion that the
only thing I could think to do was to lean over
and kiss his forehead. "I know," I whispered.
"I know you're hurting. It's going to hurt for a
little while, but you're going to be just fine."
His breathing continued to even out as I spoke,
so I kept talking. "The First Lady's thinking of
getting a skateboard to cut down on trips between
your room and the President's." It wasn't my
joke - I'd heard C.J. say it at her two o'clock
briefing, but I thought it was funny. Josh
smiled, but carefully didn't laugh. "Even the
Surgeon General came by when you were in
recovery. She seems pretty impressed with your
surgical team. And she and the doctors and the
nurses, they're all promising everyone within
earshot that you'll be okay."
His eyes clouded over and I was afraid he
was going to start coughing again. Instead he
squeezed my hand and pulled in a thin but long
breath, "but what happened?" he finally grated
out.
My hands and feet went cold when I
realized what he was asking. I was stammering,
trying to figure out how to explain this to him
when Karen came in.
"Hey Josh, Donna thought you might need a
little something more for the pain." Her voice
was light and soothing. I liked her.
Josh nodded fractionally at her.
"Maybe Sam can wait in the hall for a
second?" She looked at me with raised eyebrows
even as she spoke to Josh.
I could only figure Donna had menitioned
my name, since I'd never seen her before. I knew
her bame because there was white board across
from his bed that listed his doctor, his nurse
and his respratory therapist. And I knew that
before this was over they'd be adding physical
therapist to that list.
I started to get up, but Josh grabbed my
hand with a rather surprising amount of strength.
I sat back down, "Okay, okay," I said as I
glanced back up to the nurse to make sure it
really was okay.
"We can do this your way," Karen agreed.
I scooted up closer to his head as Karen
rearranged the blankets and helped Josh roll onto
his side. I let him squeeze my hand as she gave
him a shot in the rear.
"There," she said, rolling him back on
his side and covering him up again.
Josh sighed, eyes closed, as the medicine
moved through his system, clearly helping.
"Will this knock him out?" I asked as she disposed of the hypodermic.
"Shouldn't, but he's pretty tired, so
just being comfortable may let him sleep."
I nodded and said thank you for Josh who
had opened his eyes, but hadn't let go of my hand.
When Karen left, I shifted Josh around so
that I could give him a hug, hold him for a
minute. "Okay now? Or at least better?"
Josh was able to take a relatively deep
breath now. "Yeah." He snuggled into me, so I
shifted us so that I was leaning back on his
pillows and he was on his side with his head and
shoulders laying against my chest. I supposed it
would be bit of a problem if Donna - or almost
anyone else for that matter - were to have walked
in on us like that, but I realized that I'd have
rather explained things than move him. It
occurred to me in that moment that the shooting
could change our lives in more than just the
obvious ways. I also realized, holding him in my
arms for the first time in a long time, after an
incident that could have turned the last time
into the last time, that I was ready for
whatever they could throw at us.
"You won't tell me either?" Josh's voice cut into my musings.
"Tell you what?" I asked as I traced the
patterns of his hospital gown on his shoulder
with one finger.
"What happened."
He seemed close to tears again and I
realized that that must have been what he and
Donna were fighting about when I came in. And
why Donna didn't want me in the room. She knew
I'd never lie to him.
I kissed the top of his head. "You're
going to be fine," I whispered in preamble.
Josh grunted angrily, apparently thinking
that was all I was going to say.
"Easy, Josh, easy. I'll tell you. But I
don't want you to be afraid, because you really
are going to be okay." I hugged him tightly to
me, wondering how the words would affect them.
How they'd affect me. I could barely speak of
this to strangers or to friends who had been
there, let alone to Josh who hurt so much
sometimes he couldn't even breathe. "You were
shot. In the chest. The bullet went into your
lung which is why it's so hard to breathe
sometimes." I kept him close and stroked his
hair.
There was an initial sound of distress
and stiffening of his spine as I spoke, but he
gradually relaxed.
"Don't worry if you can't remember much
right now. The doctors say that's normal. It's
been less than two days and already you're awake
and talking and that's great. And you're going
to be fine." I needed to keep saying that. I
wasn't sure if it was for him or for me, but I
needed to say it.
Josh sighed shifted a little and made
himself more comfortable against me. "Thank
you." And with both a modicum of physical and
emotional pain relieved, he fell into a deep
sleep.
After the extreme harriedness of the
first forty-eight hours after the shooting, the
days started passing incredibly fast. I spent as
much time at the hospital as I could - more than
I really should have been able to, I realized in
hindsight - and the rest of my hours working on
stuff for the Midterms and finishing up whatever
was on my desk when we'd left for the Newseum.
That night after I'd told Josh what had
happened to him, I stayed at the hospital for
about two more hours while he slept. Donna and I
talked over the chicken salad sandwich she
brought me with my coffee and then I gave her a
ride home. I worked until about ten and then
gratefully fell over into bed, confident that I'd
sleep better than I had the last two nights.
I was woken up at four in the morning by Cathy.
It turned out that her dad had had a stroke.
She'd told me a long time ago about her mother's
fragile health and she said she was leaving for
San Francisco right away. I told her that we'd
be here when she got back, but she said that with
her only brother being back in Korea that she'd
probably be staying. I told her that we'd be
here anyway but if she wanted anyone to send her
things from her desk I'd have Ginger or Bonnie
take care of it.
On top of that there was Mandy. Now, I'm
not the best judge of Mandy on a good day and
these haven't exactly been good days, but she
needed to leave. Fortunately she could see that
and walked away with something like her dignity
in tact. But the truth of the matter was that
she was heading for a major break down. Between
the FBI guy who was shot, the shooting at Roslyn
and the fact that most of us had made it very
clear that we'd never trust her again after that
op-memo incident, it was really better for her to
move on before she ended up in a rubber room.
No, seriously, I mean that. She… was… she was a
few fries short of a Happy Meal when I saw her in
Toby's office turning in her resignation. I
can't say that I'll really miss her. I know C.J.
won't.
Speaking of C.J., she's been keeping the
press away from us with a whip and a chair. The
corker was when Carol told me she'd threatened
that new girl from the L.A. Times with taking her
newspaper, rolling it up, shoving it up her ass
and lighting it on fire if she didn't quit trying
to corner Charlie for a quote. I laughed for the
first time at the next staff meeting. Leo told
her to quit making empty threats. Either quit
saying things like that or follow through. C.J.
said she was going to take that as permission.
Most of us have talked to someone.
There's really no way not to. People are going
to want to know. Since I did the morning shows,
C.J. said I was off the hook, but I went to
Princeton with the guy writing for the Chicago
Trib, so when he asked me if I wanted to grab
lunch on the way to the hospital one day, I said
what the hell.
Talking about it isn't so bad now that I
know Josh'll be okay. It's going to take a while
before he's back at work - something about how
easily he'll get infections - but he's going to
be okay. The doctor reminds me each time he
comes in to check on Josh.
Five more days. They seem to think Josh
will be able to go home in about five days. He's
going to be house-bound for a while so Donna and
I have already started divvying up the tasks
that'll need to be taken care of for him. I'm
going to do most of the driving for him - getting
him home and to his doctor appointments and
things; she's going all domestic on us - cooking,
cleaning, that sort of thing. Josh made a joke
that if I'm going to be around there won't be any
cleaning left to do. It wasn't very funny in as
much as it's probably true, but it was an attempt
and we laughed anyway. Mostly because he was
awake and failing (as usual) to be amusing.
It was a week after the shooting when
things started to feel a little like normal.
Josh was still in the hospital, but he was
reading the papers and watching the news when he
felt up to it. Every once in a while someone
would visit and run a policy question past him to
make him feel less out of the loop. Leo had
spent a few hours with him that morning and came
back the office saying that he was looking good
and sounding better. I'd always looked forward
to checking out and going to see him, but that
day there was something about the way Leo seemed
about five years younger after seeing him, after
the President's check up that same day, that let
me know that we were starting to come out the
other side of this thing. So at eleven I told
the girls that I was going for lunch, and went to
the hospital. Josh was sitting up watching CNN
when I came in. He smiled when he saw me.
"So… I hear you hit the ground running out there."
I raised an eyebrow and shut the door
behind me. Josh was propped up in the bed a
little and had this really goofy grin on his face.
"I what?"
"The President had a check up. He came
by to see me before he left. Filled me in on a
little of what happened out there. He says you
really took the bull by the horns."
I know I blushed to my toes. "I didn't
do anything anyone else couldn't have done."
He grew serious and motioned for me to
come sit on the edge of his bed. I did so,
carefully.
"The point is, no one else did it. You did. You saved C.J.'s life."
I just shrugged.
"According to the Leo, you not only saved
C.J. but you were the first and only to start a
methodical assessment of the situation." I
started to interrupt but Josh waved me off.
"Shut up. I still can't talk too much without
coughing, so let me get this out. He said that
you grabbed Secret Service, found out where
everyone accounted for was and then proceeded to
account for everyone else. C.J. said you were
the one to tell her that the President was okay.
Leo said you did the news shows because C.J.
couldn't. Toby said that you basically
volunteered for every damn thing that had to get
done. You had control of the situation."
"Josh…" I stopped and took a deep breath.
"I had control for a while. While I thought
everyone was okay, I was okay. After I saw you…
I didn't have control of much." I was a little
scared to let him know how badly it had shaken me
to see him fall over from behind that planter,
but I wasn't worthy of the praise I was
apparently earning. I couldn't tell him that I
was willing to do just about anything that would
get my mind off of what had happened to him
because thinking about it too much was starting
to make me feel a little bit crazy.
"You were in control enough to stay with
me on the way to the hospital. Sam…" he had to
stop to cough. I held the pillow for him and
reached forward to rub his back as he grimaced in
pain. He had to wait a few minutes and take some
shallow, easy breaths before he could continue.
"Sam, I was scared. I was so sure I was going to
die. I've never known pain like that. I kept
wondering how I got there. How I got to a place
where I was being shot. And then you were there
and I… felt better. I was still scared and it
still hurt, but when you told me I'd be okay I
believed you. It was worth fighting to get a
breath in, because I knew if I could hold out
that I'd get to a hospital and I'd be okay.
Because you said so. If you were scared, you
sure as hell didn't show it. The last thing I
remember before being put under was you squeezing
my hand and telling me that you came to get me.
The next thing I remember was you holding my hand
and telling me not to fight the ventilator."
Speaking so much exhausted him and he
collapsed against the pillows, carefully keeping
his breathing even and shallow to avoid coughing
again. He reached for my hand and held it. I
could see in his eyes that he believed everything
he just said. I wasn't sure if I should
disillusion him or not, but I saw things so
differently.
"Josh…" I had to smile. "Do you know
what you were thinking about when the ambulance
got you here?"
He shook his head.
"The campaign. You kept mentioning the
Senator - I think you meant Hoynes - and going to
New Hampshire. I told you that we went to New
Hampshire. What I said was 'you came and got
me.'"
"Are you sure?" he whispered. "I could
have sworn you said you came to get me. On the
ground out there. You came to get me."
"You were a little mixed up." I shrugged
at him, wishing I could meet his eyes.
"Not really. You did come to get me. Thank you."
I hung my head.
"Hey," he slugged me softly in the arm.
"I mean it. You were there for me and you were
strong for me when I was scared. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Just… I wasn't the hero you're making me out to be."
"I remember very little, Sam. If
anyone's out to make you a hero it's the
President and Leo."
"Leo must have left out the part about me
losing my lunch in the bathroom as soon as they
took you into surgery." I didn't want this. I
didn't want him thanking me. I was so
traumatized by everything that happened that I'd
lost the ability to form simple words for hours.
"Actually he told me about that, but I
don't think he felt he needed to share that with
the President. You okay?"
"I'm fine," I had to laugh a little. The
guy with tubes and wires hanging out of a half
dozen places on his body was asking me if I'm
okay. "It was just… shock. You know?"
"Yeah, I know. I also know that you're
beating yourself up that it's me here and not
you. So quit it, okay? You did good. You did
damn good out there, Sam. Stop being so damn
self-effacing. You saved C.J.'s life! You were
prepared to take control of the scene, you did
take control. Toby said you made sure that the
senior staff, including Charlie were accounted
for before you got in the ambulance with me. You
kept it together when it was important. I dare
you to find one person out there who didn't have
a stress reaction at some point." He stopped to
cough again.
I gave him the pillow and ran my fingers
through his hair to calm him. "Shh… easy. It's
alright." When it was over he leaned over and
put his head on my shoulder to rest. I wrapped
my arms around him loosely, still wondering if it
hurt if I squeezed too tightly. "I needed to know
you were okay. I knew I needed to hold it
together long enough to make sure you were okay."
"And you did." he whispered.
So supposedly, it was that simple. I
just held him for a while and let him rest.
Maybe that was what it was all about - hitting
the ground running. Doing what has to be done
and worrying about how it affected you later.
Maybe, if I looked at what I did instead of how I
felt about what was going on, I could see that I
did okay. I was suddenly tired. Drained of
energy. Like all the tension I'd been carrying
around for a week had faded. It felt good to
feel tired.
Josh was tired too. He'd fallen asleep
on my shoulder. I hoped no one would get pissed
and kick me out for wearing him out. He was
finally up for the better part of a normal day
and now here he was back to sleeping in the
middle of the day again. I gently shifted him
until I could get one arm behind his shoulders
and the other supporting his head and laid him
back against the pillows. I knew I needed to get
back to the office, but it seemed like so much
bother all of a sudden. I moved down onto the
chair and rested my head on my arms on the edge
of his bed. Just for a minute. Just until I
could muster up the strength to move. I didn't
mean to fall asleep. Really.
"Let 'im sleep," Josh's voice rasped over
the edge of my consciousness. Something warm and
heavy was resting on the back of my head and it
would take way too much energy for me to move it
in order to sit up. I wasn't exactly
comfortable, my back ached, but I was just so
wiped.
"I'll wake him when I leave," Leo answered him.
"I'm up," I muttered, realizing they were
talking about me. I started to sit up, but what
turned out to be Josh's hand pushed me back down
gently. I took a deep breath, resolving myself
to the idea that I really shouldn't be sleeping
at the edge of Josh's hospital bed. I reached up
and held his hand in mine as I pulled myself into
a sitting position. "I'm up," I mumbled again.
"God, when did I fall asleep?" I checked my
watch, adrenaline rushing through me as I
realized I'd slept almost three hours in the
middle of the day. "Oh my god."
"Relax. We knew where you were. When
you didn't come back from lunch, I told Kathy to
reschedule the afternoon appointments you really
need to keep and to just cancel the rest of them.
Then I came over to be sure everything was okay."
"It's fine, everything's fine," Josh assured us both.
"Good," Leo said, squeezing Josh's arm.
"Then I'll go back and harass the President into
sending a delegate to speak at that damn
biologists' luncheon instead of trying to go
himself. He doesn't need to be doing anything he
isn't absolutely required to do right now."
He turned to go, but Josh stopped him. "Leo. Is he okay?"
Leo smiled. "He's fine. He just likes
to be Superman every once in a while. You take
care. We need you back as soon as you're feeling
better."
Leo left and I sat scrubbing my face with my
hands. Josh was looking at me oddly when I
looked back up at him. "What isn't he telling
me?"
"It's fine, Josh, really. It's just a
little… tense right now. Everyone wants the
President to take it easy for a few more days.
He's got his hands full with trying to keep Toby
from sending a bill to Congress to repeal the
Second Amendment and he doesn't seem to like the
fact that I'm not doing much to help him." I
shrugged. "And you know… the other stuff, all
the bills and propositions and whatever that were
on our desks when we left the office last Monday
night are still there. We got a couple days
reprieve from everyone right after all this, but
now they want to jump back into it all."
"Maybe you can bring me something to work
on the next time you come by," Josh suggested.
I almost told him flat out no, but I
realized he was maybe starting to feel like it
was his fault that we were all feeling a little
overwhelmed. "We'll see what your doctor thinks
of that idea, okay?"
"Okay."
We sat quietly for a few minutes, he'd
fallen asleep with CNN on the t.v., but neither
of us were really listening to it or watching it.
We'd both turned more inward with our thoughts,
still holding hands and just enjoying being
together.
He probably thought I was going to fall
asleep again, because after a while he squeezed
my hand. "Hey, you should get back."
I shrugged. "I suppose." I wanted to
kiss him. Just getting up and saying 'see you
later' seemed like a horrible mood breaker. I
squeezed his hand and he pulled our joined hands
closer to his healing chest.
"I'm okay. Really."
"Yeah," my voice was barely a whisper.
"Hey, they're giving me solid food,
finally, but what comes out of this place is more
like solid waste. Could you, maybe, bring me a
burger or something on your way out of the office
tonight?"
"The doctors won't mind?" I was happy to
help and more than happy for an excuse to come
back that evening, as long as I didn't become a
willing accomplice in a set back.
"Nah, C.J. brought me donuts this
morning. They figure as long as I'm eating…"
"Sure. I'll grab something for both of
us as soon as I can get out of the office." I
smiled. I liked that he was asking me to come
see him again.
"Thanks. Now get out of here before Leo
yells at me for making his staff disappear."
I squeezed his hand again and then decided the
hell with it. I leaned forward and kissed the
top of his head. "I love you."
Josh just smiled softly at me. "Love you too. Now get out."
I smiled at him and followed directions.
I must have fairly skipped into the
office because people were looking at me funny
all the way through the bullpen. Donna saw me
come in and ran to meet me.
"How is he? I mean, I saw him this
morning, but… you were gone a long time."
"He's fine. Well, I mean, he's going to
be there a few more days, but he's getting a lot
better. In fact, he wants to talk to his doctor
about getting some work done from his hospital
room, so if you could find a few things that
aren't likely to upset him too much, one of us
can bring them to him as soon as he gets the
okay."
Donna looked skeptical.
I ushered her into my office and shut the
door. I didn't mind Donna knowing, but I didn't
need the rumors that would start when some junior
staffer only heard half of my explanation of
where I'd been. "Seriously, Donna, he's fine.
I… I fell asleep… that's why I was there for so
long. He fell asleep after I'd been there a few
minutes and I just… I rested my eyes for a few
seconds. Next thing I know, Leo's there and Josh
is yelling at him to let me sleep." I shrugged.
"So everything's alright?"
"Everything's fine. I'm bringing him
some real food for dinner tonight. He says the
stuff they give him isn't solid food, it's solid
waste." I had to repeat the joke. Not only
because I knew it would put Donna at ease, but
also because it made me feel better. Josh was
joking and complaining and that was normal. If
he'd suddenly gotten all compliant, we would have
really worried.
Thank god C.J. had the sense to warn me
this was going to happen. She popped into my
office at about five fifteen saying, "I moved my
five o'clock briefing back to six, so you'll have
time to get to the hospital before this hits the
air."
Some early predictions about who was
running for what in the midterm elections
suddenly didn't matter one damn to me. "Excuse
me?"
She sighed and collapsed into a chair.
"Sam, Justice is releasing his name and his
photo. There's also very, very nasty, not to
mention crafty statement of support from a
Florida white pride group coming out."
I felt myself go pale, my stomach turn to
lead. "Oh, god." She didn't have to tell me any
more than that. Any unspecified 'he' or 'him'
meant only one person around here lately. None
of us wanted to dignify him with a name any more
than necessary.
"Yeah. Leo's telling the President now.
He thought maybe someone should be with Josh."
"Okay, tell Toby I'm gone for the day."
I grabbed my jacket and keys, leaving my
briefcase. If this didn't go as badly as I
expected it to, I could come back for a few
things. But odds were good that I wouldn't be
doing a whole lot of work before morning.
I took a second to marvel at the fact
that there was still daylight when I was leaving
the building, but almost wished for the cover of
darkness. I didn't want anyone asking where I
was going, could they come with, tell him I said
'hi,' ask him how he's doing for me. I didn't
want anyone to ask me why I had broken out in a
cold sweat on a beautiful summer evening and why
I was regretting having had time to grab an late
lunch from the mess.
It was a quarter till when I got to his
room. He was trying to read the Times, but was
apparently having problems turning the pages with
all the wires and tubes still hanging out of his
right arm. My first thought was to go help him
with it, but I realized that that would be pretty
pointless since I needed him to put it away so we
could talk. The t.v was on CSPAN and I knew C.J.
would be taking the podium soon. "Hey,"
He glanced up from his paper, "Hey," he said weakly. "What? No food?"
I blinked, not sure what he meant for a second
then remembering that when I could get away in
the evening to visit, I usually brought dinner.
"Sorry."
His grin faded, "What's wrong?"
I took off my jacket and rolled my sleeves up. I
loosened my tie before dropping the rail and
sitting on the edge of his bed. I tried and
tried - had been trying since C.J. told me about
this - to decide how to say this to him. To find
the magic words I was so famous for to make this
sound… not half as bad as it really was. I
reached up and ran my fingers through his hair,
stroking his temple with the back of my fingers.
"Sam? Sam, come on… what's wrong?"
Josh's voice was still raspy, which made it hard
to tell when he was really doing the best he
could and when he was starting to really fatigue.
"Josh, in a few minutes, C.J.'s going to
do her evening briefing." That was true. It was
also the easiest part of this conversation. It'd
get worse from here on out.
"Yeah, should have been at five, right?"
Josh was still using a form of verbal short-hand,
conserving his voice and his breath by only using
the words absolutely necessary to make his point.
"Right. She wanted me to have time to get
here to watch it with you, because um…" Damn this
was so fucking difficult.
"Sam, please, just say it."
I wondered if I was making him think of
things worse than this. Personally, I couldn't
come up with a whole lot of worse things, but
Josh had always been better at the 'worst case
scenario' than I was. And I'd gotten pretty damn
good after his surgery. "Josh, they're going to
release LeRoy's name and photo to the press
tonight. Justice has apparently decided that
they can give out that much. And C.J. says
there's some sort of statement being made by a
white pride group in the south supporting him."
Josh just leaned back into his pillows,
nodding slightly. He glanced back up at the t.v.
and then over to the door. I don't know what he
thought might be out there. Maybe nothing, maybe
he just didn't want to be looking at me or the
t.v.
"If you aren't ready for this, we can
turn the t.v. off and just talk for a while." I
reached back up, brushing a thumb over his cheek.
"Can't avoid it forever," he finally said sadly.
We just sat silently, watching a call in
segment about farm subsidies until they went to
the briefing room in time to watch C.J. take the
podium. Before she started speaking, I shifted
around to slide my arm behind his shoulders and
kiss his forehead. We held hands as we watched
C.J. get ready to speak.
Several of us had noticed that she'd
developed a … almost a tick when it came to
talking to the room about the shooting. She took
off her glasses, tucked her hair behind her ear,
braced herself on her podium and stared straight
through it for a moment before finding a spot on
the back wall to talk to as she gave them the
latest.
"There's news on the on-going
investigation into the shooting of President
Bartlet and Joshua Lyman in Roslyn, Virginia
tonight," she started, "The Justice department
has finally agreed to release the name and mug
shots of the signal man." She ran through her
little routine again, pinching her nose when she
realized her glasses were already off, hair,
podium, stare through her notes, stare at the
wall. "His name is Carl LeRoy. He says he is a
member of West Virginia White Pride, though that
organization is disavowing any foreknowledge of
the shooting or whether or not LeRoy is a
member." She stopped and visibly took a deep
breath. It was all the pause the press needed.
I glanced over at Josh. He was a little
pale, but so far she hadn't said anything we
hadn't known for a while.
Finally C.J. called on someone for a
question. I got the impression it was more to
quiet them, than because she actually wanted to
talk to them. "Sandy?"
"Will Justice be seeking a subpoena of
West Virginia White Pride's membership rosters?"
C.J. closed her eyes for a second. "I'm
not sure what exactly Justice is planning to do
next, you'd have to talk to them, but my personal
thoughts are that there may be some problems with
that due to freedom of association."
Another chorus of "C.J! C.J! C.J!"
"Ken."
"You said we'd be getting photos?"
"In your press packet," she cut him off.
Josh made sound I couldn't identify, and I muted C.J. "Hey?"
"Pictures?" he asked quietly.
"We can turn this off," I reminded him.
He just shook his head. "Be in the
papers tomorrow. Be on the news tomorrow… day
after…" He tightened his hand on mine. He just
wanted to get this over with.
We left the t.v. muted until the briefing
was over and then flipped on CNN. They had the
story processed in less than half an hour.
"And tonight, the White House released
the name of the signal man in Roslyn, West
Virginia who is the only surviving member of the
three person team responsible for shooting
President Bartlet last Monday." A picture of a
white kid, about seventeen or eighteen flashed on
the screen, and I don't think either of us heard
anything else she said.
I tore my eyes away after a while and
glanced over at Josh. His eyes were closed and I
could see him tapping his fingers as he counted
to five as he took a deep breath in and five
again as he let it out. He did it two more times
before opening his eyes. "I can't decide if I'm
grateful or angry."
"It does seem a little bit of an
injustice. You're still here, the President went
home on Wednesday but he's still the headline."
I leaned over and kissed his temple.
"I don't want to be a headline," he
whispered, cuddling into my shoulder.
"No," I said quickly, "I know that.
That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. It's just
that…" I reached over and gently touched his
face. "This all just sucks so bad."
Josh nodded. "He looks… stereotypical."
I glanced back at the t.v. The kid's
face was still there, and I couldn't help but
wonder what the hell they could still be saying
about him since all they'd released was his name
and photo. That was about fifteen seconds worth
of information. But Josh was right. The kid was
everything we think of when we hear 'neo-nazi'.
Bald, scowling, tattooed, young. I hated him and
everything he stood for and it was getting
increasingly difficult to stay calm and detached
while sitting in Josh's hospital room. The room
where can't even turn the page of the newspaper
without help because of all the wires and tubes
connected to him, and this kid is getting
national recognition. And support. Let's not
even talk about the assholes in Florida
supporting him. I hadn't heard that statement
yet, and if there was anyway for me to avoid it,
I planned on it. I wanted Josh to, too. I
didn't think he needed that kind of stress so
soon.
"What happens now?" He asked softly,
picking up my hand and rubbing it, trying to calm
me.
This was so wrong. Wrong beyond belief.
I needed to regroup. Josh wasn't supposed to be
comforting me. This was entirely wrong. "Well,
in the immediate future, I'm going to step into
the bathroom." I needed to get a grip. I needed
to hit something, but that wasn't really an
option at the moment.
I stood up and he let me slide my hand
out of his, but he looked skeptical. "What?"
"It's okay to be pissed. I'd be more
upset if you weren't upset, you know?" He was
starting to drift off. He was usually asleep by
eight o'clock, the end of visiting hours and it
would be that soon. He leaned heavily back on the
pillows, eyes closed, fidgeting with the blankets.
"I know," I whispered, "I'll come back in
a second and help you get settled for the night."
I still wanted a second to compose myself and
splash some water on my face.
When I came out, Josh was flipping
through the channels, watching the kids face pop
up and disappear, listening to see how each news
outlet covered the same event. I walked over
and took the remote and turned off the t.v.
"He's Justice's problem now." I kissed his
forehead as I wrapped the cord to the remote/call
button around the railing so it'd be there when
he needed it. I sat him up and helped him stay
upright with one hand while I pressed the button
to bring the bed back a little. He wasn't
supposed to sleep flat yet and I was sure that
was annoying him all to hell, but we'd had a
brief argument the third day he'd been awake
about what he wanted over what the doctors
ordered and I told him that I loved him enough to
side with the doctors on this one. So I brought
the bed back to about a thirty degree angle and
arranged his pillows and leaned him back. I
helped him get his bathrobe off amid a flurry of
one and two word rants about hospital gowns and
straightened out his blankets.
He sighed and snuggled into the pillows, "One more week."
"One more week for what?" I asked as I
brought the blankets up around his shoulders and
made sure the I.V., the pulse ox monitor and
whatever other apparati were still trailing from
him weren't going to get tangled.
"They think I can go home in a week."
He'd started some basic P.T. and they'd
been showing him how to change his bandages and
the stitches were due to come out in another two
or three days. I sat down on the chair near his
bed. "That's fantastic. Once they know exactly
which day it is I'll tell Leo that I'm taking a
couple days, okay?"
"Sam, if they're sending me home -"
I shook my head at him. "Let me bring
you home. Let me stay for a day or two until
we're sure you won't run into something you need
help with." I wanted him out of the hospital. I
desperately wanted to see him get that much
better, but the idea of him being on his own
scared the crap out of me. "Please?"
Josh nodded. "'Kay. Thanks." He reached
a hand out towards me. "Sam?"
"Hm?"
"Can you stay until I'm asleep tonight?"
"Yeah. I'll be right here. I'll always be right here."
____________
End, To Strive
By Waldo.
Part 4/4, See Part 0 for notes and disclaimers
I wasn't there when they took him off the
ventilator. The President and Leo were, though,
and that was good on multiple levels. Leo's been
a friend of Josh's family for longer than I've
known him. And having an ill President make the
trip to your bedside has to be good for morale.
Leo called me after he'd woken up and
gone right back to sleep. He told me to hand
whatever I was working on to Toby and come back
down.
There were still a lot of machines but
without the respirator Josh looked so much better
and much less… overwhelmed. Much less fragile.
They'd taken the President back to his
own room before I got there, but Leo was waiting
for me with a mile wide grin.
"How is he?" I almost didn't have to ask with a smile like that.
"He wants to know 'What's next?'"
I felt an answering smile take over my
face and let myself truly believe for the first
time that he'd really be okay. I fairly skipped
past Leo to get in to see him. Leo grabbed me as
I grabbed the door handle. "He's sleeping now.
The doctors say he's going to do a lot of that
for the next few days. But I'm sure he'll be
happy to see you when he wakes up again."
I forced myself to calm down a little.
Josh has accused me of bouncing when I'm in a
good mood. I don't bounce. I may get a little
spring in my step, but I don't bounce. I
figured, either way, Josh wouldn't appreciate me
jostling him on accident right now, so I took a
few deep breaths and shoved my hands in my
pockets.
As I moved to his bedside Leo said, "I'll
tell Toby and Kathy that you're out for the day
and that you probably won't be in until ten or so
tomorrow."
"Ten? Leo, I can't - I have - "
"See him. Then when he goes back to
sleep, you go home and sleep yourself."
I started to argue. The office was
already short one President and one Deputy Chief
of Staff. As soon as I opened my mouth Leo cut
me off again.
"How much sleep have you gotten since Monday night?"
I shut my mouth and looked at my shoes.
"How much?"
"Three or four hours."
"In more than two days?!"
Great. Now Leo was mad at me. I so didn't need that.
"See him and go home. And I'm telling
Kathy that if she sees you anywhere in the
building tomorrow before noon, she's to call
Secret Service and have your ass tossed out."
With that Leo was gone and I was alone
with Josh. I sat in the chair next to his bed
and stroked his hair. It was becoming a habit
and I wasn't sure if it was to more of a comfort
for him or me. His eyes opened a slit when I
touched him and I realized Leo's admonishment of
me had woken him up.
I leaned in close and spoke quietly,
"Hey. Don't worry about all that. Leo's just
being everyone's dad until the President feels up
to doing it again."
He actually smiled for about a half
second before scrunching up his face, worry
taking over before amusement really could.
Oh hell, he didn't know.
"Everyone's fine, Josh. Now that you're
going to be okay, everyone's fine." I took his
hand in both of mine and stood up to perch on the
edge of his bed so he could see me better. "The
President was hit in the side, but he's already
up and checking on you. And if I had to guess
he's probably giving Leo the lecture he just gave
me right about now. Everyone's okay.
"Sam?"
His voice was so strained, like he'd been
shouting for days. I knew it was from the tube
and would heal up, but I've always liked Josh's
voice - the way he said 'ah-kay' for 'okay' and
the gentle tones of his New England upbringing -
and the raspieness made him sound awful. I
forced myself to remember how close he'd come to
never saying anything again and quit my mental
bitching.
"I'm here," I said softly, smiling for him.
"You look awful." He tried to smile, but
just then he was seized with the need to cough.
After the first cough his face went wide with
pain and he tried to swallow the remaining coughs.
He'd gone awfully pale and was panting in
an effort to avoid the painful coughs again. I
ran to the door and grabbed the first nurse I
saw. She came in and grabbed the extra pillow I
hadn't noticed on the bedside table. She handed
it to Josh and showed him how to hold it against
his chest to help splint the cough and mute the
pain a little. He still fought against it, but
his system just wouldn't be denied.
The first couple coughs were loud and raw
and it sounded like he was bringing up razor
blades or something. He gripped the pillow as
tightly as he could in his weakened state and his
eyes filled up from the pain. I watched as the
nurse coaxed him into wrapping his arms around
the pillow to give him some resistance and tried
to talk him into coughing and getting it over
with instead of fighting it.
"You have to do this to get better, Mr.
Lyman. I know it hurts, but you'll feel a lot
worse if you don't get this out."
I swear Josh called her a 'bitch' under
his breath and I had to turn away to hide my
face. I knew he'd think I was laughing at him,
at his pain, but nothing could be farther from
the truth. But hearing Josh sound like Josh made
my world look a whole lot brighter.
When he finally seemed to be over it, the
nurse fed him a few ice chips and then handed me
the cup. "He shouldn't over do it with these,
but they'll help his throat after something like
that."
I nodded and sat down on the edge of the
bed as she left. Josh's face was wet with tears
and he had turned his head away from me, trying
to hide them.
"Want some more ice?" I asked trying to
coax him into looking back at me. My smile was
completely gone now, Josh was still clearly
hurting so badly.
A very short shake of his head was his
only response. I set the plastic cup back on the
table and hitched up closer to him very
carefully. I took a tissue from the box on the
bed-tray and wiped his eyes. "It's okay. It's
okay to cry. I know it hurts. I'll talk to the
nurse or the doctor before I go, but it sounded
like she was saying that you're going to need to
cough to get better - when my dad had his heart
attack he had to cough after the surgery to… I
don't know break up something in there, keep the
air moving right or something. Anyway, if you
need the pillow, just let me know. I'll hold it
for you. I'll do whatever you need to get
better, okay?" I was trailing my fingers up and
down his arm and when I got to his hand, he
turned his over and grabbed mine. "I'll stay," I
promised him. "I'll stay until you're sleeping,
okay? Then I'm going to go home and get a little
rest myself. In the morning I'll come see how
you're doing before I go in. Do you want me to
grab anything from your place for you?"
Another short shake of his head.
"Okay. Let me know if you come up with
anything. I've still got your spare key." I
tugged the blankets up around his shoulders and
made a mental note to tell the nurse that he'd
probably need at least one more. His fingers
were cold under mine.
Josh seemed drifting off a few minutes
later. His hand had gone lax under mine, but
when I started to get up to go, he tightened them
again. "I'm here. It's okay. I'm still here,"
I whispered.
I waited another half hour before
attempting to leave again. He didn't seem to be
aware of me tucking his hand back under the
blankets or kissing his temple as I left. I was
almost out the door, with the nagging feeling
that I was abandoning him, when I saw him clutch
the blanket with the hand I'd been holding. He
didn't move or wake, but it tore at me to walk
away with him clearly so afraid and in so much
pain.
I pulled a legal pad out of my briefcase
and scribbled "I'll be back in the morning. Sam,"
on it, folded it in half and slid it under his
hand where he'd see it and hopefully be able to
open it when he woke up. I was still standing
there, just watching him sleep, when the nurse
came in and said that my time was up. I nodded
and headed down to catch a cab home. It was only
three in the afternoon, but like I'd told Leo,
I'd had almost no sleep and what I had gotten was
in moving cars and my desk chair.
I called Ginger from the cab and had her
leave a message for all the Communication
assistants that someone needed to call me at ten
tomorrow and to keep calling me until I actually
woke up, answered the phone and was awake enough
to tell them to quit calling. After times like
this, I had a tendency to sleep through my alarm.
And there was no way in hell I was going to miss
my chance to see Josh before I had to be at work
again.
Josh woke up enough to say 'hi' the next
morning when I came in and then promptly went
back to sleep. I stayed for twenty minutes or
so, watching the news on his t.v. with the sound
off wondering what he'd say when he woke up
enough to see it.
It was half-way through Wednesday when I
got to work. Almost thirty-six hours exactly
since the shooting. Most people had settled down
a little and everyone seemed to have found enough
time to get home, get a little rest and change
clothes at least once since that night. Toby
told me that the President would be returning to
the residence later that day and resuming a work
schedule by the end of the week. We spent the
next hour in conference with C.J. and Leo on
whether or not the President should make a public
address once his doctor's cleared him.
We decided on a five minute taped piece
that would be delivered to the news agencies to
air Friday evening provided he felt up to it.
I was a little shocked when Toby asked me
to sit down and do the first draft of it. I
assumed we'd do it together or he'd want to
handle it. I was even more shocked when he said
that he felt that the President seemed to prefer
having me write for him, felt more comfortable
with my words and at this point we didn't want
him to feel that he had to spend a lot time
revising the comments.
It helped that it also gave me something
to focus on. I'd left Josh another note when
I'd left that morning telling him that I'd be
back in the evening and I'd told Kathy that I
wasn't taking any meetings that would keep me
past six o'clock. A small part of me was
resentful of the fact that it took something of
this magnitude for me to actually get out of the
office at something like a normal hour, but after
a fairly short internal debate I decided that I'd
rather work until midnight every night and have
Josh and the President right along side me.
At six-thirty I signed out and made my
way to my car. The going back and forth was
starting to wear on me. I'd gone home, as Leo
instructed, the night before, but I hadn't been
able to sleep worth a damn. The capacity the
human mind has for imagining trouble... What if
they accidentally give him the wrong medication?
What if a suture starts to leak and they have to
operate again? What if they don't catch the leak
in time? What if a blood clot goes to his brain?
I remember at least three distinct nightmares of
my phone ringing and someone telling me that I
needed to come to the hospital… but that there
was no need to rush, it was too late. When my
phone had rung to wake me up, I'd broken out in a
cold sweat and had an adrenaline rush that took
me fifteen minutes in a hot shower to get over.
I didn't even need coffee after that.
But he'd been resting peacefully that
morning and now I was on my way back to see him.
Donna was there when I arrived. Kathy
had said that she'd been let in to see him last
night after I'd left and had been leaving when
I'd been there that morning. But now something
was different. I could hear her voice carry
through the door and I could see Josh weakly
batting her hands away from where she was
pressing on his shoulders to keep him from trying
to sit up.
I pushed the door open and at the first
click of the handle Donna abandoned her fight
with Josh and ran over to push me out of the room.
"No, Sam, not now."
I pushed back, "Donna!"
"No! Look, Sam, he's tired, this isn't a good time - "
"That's why you're yelling at him so
loudly that I can hear you through the door?" I
tried to push past her again.
Donna stood her ground, "Look, there's no
way in hell I'm letting you in here if you're
gonna be like this."
"Donna!"
"No, I said -"
"donna..."
We both froze and looked up at Josh. His
voice was still raw and shallow, but he had both
of our attention.
And shortly thereafter he began to pay
for it. He groped around blindly with one hand
and clutched at his chest with the other and
began hacking. I physically shoved Donna aside
to get to him. She made an effort to get to him
first, but I was already in motion. I got to his
bedside and grabbed his pillow, I pressed it to
his chest and then sat him up to lean on my
shoulder while he coughed. I rubbed his back
with one hand and ran my fingers through his hair
with the other and whispered, "Easy, easy, shh…
it'll be okay," while he coughed.
He calmed after a minute and I lay him
back. "It's okay now." I helped him get settled
against the pillows and covered him with the
blankets again and then gently removed his hand
from where he'd gripped the thick bandages on his
chest. "Donna," I said firmly, "Please go see if
you can find his nurse and ask if he can have a
booster for the pain." He had a PCM, but the
display indicated that he had another 23 minutes
before he could use it again. Tears were
streaming down his face and his breaths were
quick and shallow and I was hoping there would be
something else they could do for him.
Looking like nothing more than a
frightened rabbit, Donna nodded and backed
towards the door.
Suddenly Josh grabbed my leg. "wait."
"Donna, hang on," I called out for him.
"talk to the nurse… then… get some dinner or something."
She started back for the bed. "Josh - "
"Donna," I cut her off, "He's asking you
to give us a little time. Okay? Please?"
Donna looked uncomfortable, but nodded
when she saw Josh nod at my interpretation.
"Yeah, okay," she finally conceeded.
She looked so dejected as she grabbed her
purse and headed for the door that I squeezed
Josh's arm and told him I'd be right back before
jumping up and going after her.
"Donna, stop," I called down the hall.
She stopped but didn't turn to face me. I caught
up to her. "Listen, Josh is really lucky to have
someone who cares for him so much looking out for
him now. But you don't have to do it alone. Let
me help too. And let Josh decide what he needs."
The stubborn set of her jaw relaxed
visibly and her shoulders sagged. "I know. I'm
sorry. I just - I don't know how to do this. I
want him to take it easy and rest and he - I just
-"
I gripped her shoulders and smiled just a little, "I know."
Donna moved forward just enough to see if
I'd step back. When I didn't she put her arms
around me in bear hug. "I was so scared when we
were waiting."
I hugged her back, "I know. We all were."
"I'm gonna go get Karen and then get a burger, do you want anything?"
I smiled at the peace offering. "Think
you can get twelve hours of sleep in a take-away
bag?"
"One large, strong coffee, got it." I
hugged her one last time before going back to
Josh.
I sat on the edge of his bed and held his
hand again. "We're okay; she's just worried
about you." Josh sighed and relaxed. We sat
silently for a few minutes. I held his hand and
stroked my thumb over his palm. Every once in a
while his breath would hitch and his whole body
would spasm in pain. I hoped Donna was quick
about finding his nurse.
After one such bout he took a very long
time to relax and when he finally opened his eyes
there was so much pain and confusion that the
only thing I could think to do was to lean over
and kiss his forehead. "I know," I whispered.
"I know you're hurting. It's going to hurt for a
little while, but you're going to be just fine."
His breathing continued to even out as I spoke,
so I kept talking. "The First Lady's thinking of
getting a skateboard to cut down on trips between
your room and the President's." It wasn't my
joke - I'd heard C.J. say it at her two o'clock
briefing, but I thought it was funny. Josh
smiled, but carefully didn't laugh. "Even the
Surgeon General came by when you were in
recovery. She seems pretty impressed with your
surgical team. And she and the doctors and the
nurses, they're all promising everyone within
earshot that you'll be okay."
His eyes clouded over and I was afraid he
was going to start coughing again. Instead he
squeezed my hand and pulled in a thin but long
breath, "but what happened?" he finally grated
out.
My hands and feet went cold when I
realized what he was asking. I was stammering,
trying to figure out how to explain this to him
when Karen came in.
"Hey Josh, Donna thought you might need a
little something more for the pain." Her voice
was light and soothing. I liked her.
Josh nodded fractionally at her.
"Maybe Sam can wait in the hall for a
second?" She looked at me with raised eyebrows
even as she spoke to Josh.
I could only figure Donna had menitioned
my name, since I'd never seen her before. I knew
her bame because there was white board across
from his bed that listed his doctor, his nurse
and his respratory therapist. And I knew that
before this was over they'd be adding physical
therapist to that list.
I started to get up, but Josh grabbed my
hand with a rather surprising amount of strength.
I sat back down, "Okay, okay," I said as I
glanced back up to the nurse to make sure it
really was okay.
"We can do this your way," Karen agreed.
I scooted up closer to his head as Karen
rearranged the blankets and helped Josh roll onto
his side. I let him squeeze my hand as she gave
him a shot in the rear.
"There," she said, rolling him back on
his side and covering him up again.
Josh sighed, eyes closed, as the medicine
moved through his system, clearly helping.
"Will this knock him out?" I asked as she disposed of the hypodermic.
"Shouldn't, but he's pretty tired, so
just being comfortable may let him sleep."
I nodded and said thank you for Josh who
had opened his eyes, but hadn't let go of my hand.
When Karen left, I shifted Josh around so
that I could give him a hug, hold him for a
minute. "Okay now? Or at least better?"
Josh was able to take a relatively deep
breath now. "Yeah." He snuggled into me, so I
shifted us so that I was leaning back on his
pillows and he was on his side with his head and
shoulders laying against my chest. I supposed it
would be bit of a problem if Donna - or almost
anyone else for that matter - were to have walked
in on us like that, but I realized that I'd have
rather explained things than move him. It
occurred to me in that moment that the shooting
could change our lives in more than just the
obvious ways. I also realized, holding him in my
arms for the first time in a long time, after an
incident that could have turned the last time
into the last time, that I was ready for
whatever they could throw at us.
"You won't tell me either?" Josh's voice cut into my musings.
"Tell you what?" I asked as I traced the
patterns of his hospital gown on his shoulder
with one finger.
"What happened."
He seemed close to tears again and I
realized that that must have been what he and
Donna were fighting about when I came in. And
why Donna didn't want me in the room. She knew
I'd never lie to him.
I kissed the top of his head. "You're
going to be fine," I whispered in preamble.
Josh grunted angrily, apparently thinking
that was all I was going to say.
"Easy, Josh, easy. I'll tell you. But I
don't want you to be afraid, because you really
are going to be okay." I hugged him tightly to
me, wondering how the words would affect them.
How they'd affect me. I could barely speak of
this to strangers or to friends who had been
there, let alone to Josh who hurt so much
sometimes he couldn't even breathe. "You were
shot. In the chest. The bullet went into your
lung which is why it's so hard to breathe
sometimes." I kept him close and stroked his
hair.
There was an initial sound of distress
and stiffening of his spine as I spoke, but he
gradually relaxed.
"Don't worry if you can't remember much
right now. The doctors say that's normal. It's
been less than two days and already you're awake
and talking and that's great. And you're going
to be fine." I needed to keep saying that. I
wasn't sure if it was for him or for me, but I
needed to say it.
Josh sighed shifted a little and made
himself more comfortable against me. "Thank
you." And with both a modicum of physical and
emotional pain relieved, he fell into a deep
sleep.
After the extreme harriedness of the
first forty-eight hours after the shooting, the
days started passing incredibly fast. I spent as
much time at the hospital as I could - more than
I really should have been able to, I realized in
hindsight - and the rest of my hours working on
stuff for the Midterms and finishing up whatever
was on my desk when we'd left for the Newseum.
That night after I'd told Josh what had
happened to him, I stayed at the hospital for
about two more hours while he slept. Donna and I
talked over the chicken salad sandwich she
brought me with my coffee and then I gave her a
ride home. I worked until about ten and then
gratefully fell over into bed, confident that I'd
sleep better than I had the last two nights.
I was woken up at four in the morning by Cathy.
It turned out that her dad had had a stroke.
She'd told me a long time ago about her mother's
fragile health and she said she was leaving for
San Francisco right away. I told her that we'd
be here when she got back, but she said that with
her only brother being back in Korea that she'd
probably be staying. I told her that we'd be
here anyway but if she wanted anyone to send her
things from her desk I'd have Ginger or Bonnie
take care of it.
On top of that there was Mandy. Now, I'm
not the best judge of Mandy on a good day and
these haven't exactly been good days, but she
needed to leave. Fortunately she could see that
and walked away with something like her dignity
in tact. But the truth of the matter was that
she was heading for a major break down. Between
the FBI guy who was shot, the shooting at Roslyn
and the fact that most of us had made it very
clear that we'd never trust her again after that
op-memo incident, it was really better for her to
move on before she ended up in a rubber room.
No, seriously, I mean that. She… was… she was a
few fries short of a Happy Meal when I saw her in
Toby's office turning in her resignation. I
can't say that I'll really miss her. I know C.J.
won't.
Speaking of C.J., she's been keeping the
press away from us with a whip and a chair. The
corker was when Carol told me she'd threatened
that new girl from the L.A. Times with taking her
newspaper, rolling it up, shoving it up her ass
and lighting it on fire if she didn't quit trying
to corner Charlie for a quote. I laughed for the
first time at the next staff meeting. Leo told
her to quit making empty threats. Either quit
saying things like that or follow through. C.J.
said she was going to take that as permission.
Most of us have talked to someone.
There's really no way not to. People are going
to want to know. Since I did the morning shows,
C.J. said I was off the hook, but I went to
Princeton with the guy writing for the Chicago
Trib, so when he asked me if I wanted to grab
lunch on the way to the hospital one day, I said
what the hell.
Talking about it isn't so bad now that I
know Josh'll be okay. It's going to take a while
before he's back at work - something about how
easily he'll get infections - but he's going to
be okay. The doctor reminds me each time he
comes in to check on Josh.
Five more days. They seem to think Josh
will be able to go home in about five days. He's
going to be house-bound for a while so Donna and
I have already started divvying up the tasks
that'll need to be taken care of for him. I'm
going to do most of the driving for him - getting
him home and to his doctor appointments and
things; she's going all domestic on us - cooking,
cleaning, that sort of thing. Josh made a joke
that if I'm going to be around there won't be any
cleaning left to do. It wasn't very funny in as
much as it's probably true, but it was an attempt
and we laughed anyway. Mostly because he was
awake and failing (as usual) to be amusing.
It was a week after the shooting when
things started to feel a little like normal.
Josh was still in the hospital, but he was
reading the papers and watching the news when he
felt up to it. Every once in a while someone
would visit and run a policy question past him to
make him feel less out of the loop. Leo had
spent a few hours with him that morning and came
back the office saying that he was looking good
and sounding better. I'd always looked forward
to checking out and going to see him, but that
day there was something about the way Leo seemed
about five years younger after seeing him, after
the President's check up that same day, that let
me know that we were starting to come out the
other side of this thing. So at eleven I told
the girls that I was going for lunch, and went to
the hospital. Josh was sitting up watching CNN
when I came in. He smiled when he saw me.
"So… I hear you hit the ground running out there."
I raised an eyebrow and shut the door
behind me. Josh was propped up in the bed a
little and had this really goofy grin on his face.
"I what?"
"The President had a check up. He came
by to see me before he left. Filled me in on a
little of what happened out there. He says you
really took the bull by the horns."
I know I blushed to my toes. "I didn't
do anything anyone else couldn't have done."
He grew serious and motioned for me to
come sit on the edge of his bed. I did so,
carefully.
"The point is, no one else did it. You did. You saved C.J.'s life."
I just shrugged.
"According to the Leo, you not only saved
C.J. but you were the first and only to start a
methodical assessment of the situation." I
started to interrupt but Josh waved me off.
"Shut up. I still can't talk too much without
coughing, so let me get this out. He said that
you grabbed Secret Service, found out where
everyone accounted for was and then proceeded to
account for everyone else. C.J. said you were
the one to tell her that the President was okay.
Leo said you did the news shows because C.J.
couldn't. Toby said that you basically
volunteered for every damn thing that had to get
done. You had control of the situation."
"Josh…" I stopped and took a deep breath.
"I had control for a while. While I thought
everyone was okay, I was okay. After I saw you…
I didn't have control of much." I was a little
scared to let him know how badly it had shaken me
to see him fall over from behind that planter,
but I wasn't worthy of the praise I was
apparently earning. I couldn't tell him that I
was willing to do just about anything that would
get my mind off of what had happened to him
because thinking about it too much was starting
to make me feel a little bit crazy.
"You were in control enough to stay with
me on the way to the hospital. Sam…" he had to
stop to cough. I held the pillow for him and
reached forward to rub his back as he grimaced in
pain. He had to wait a few minutes and take some
shallow, easy breaths before he could continue.
"Sam, I was scared. I was so sure I was going to
die. I've never known pain like that. I kept
wondering how I got there. How I got to a place
where I was being shot. And then you were there
and I… felt better. I was still scared and it
still hurt, but when you told me I'd be okay I
believed you. It was worth fighting to get a
breath in, because I knew if I could hold out
that I'd get to a hospital and I'd be okay.
Because you said so. If you were scared, you
sure as hell didn't show it. The last thing I
remember before being put under was you squeezing
my hand and telling me that you came to get me.
The next thing I remember was you holding my hand
and telling me not to fight the ventilator."
Speaking so much exhausted him and he
collapsed against the pillows, carefully keeping
his breathing even and shallow to avoid coughing
again. He reached for my hand and held it. I
could see in his eyes that he believed everything
he just said. I wasn't sure if I should
disillusion him or not, but I saw things so
differently.
"Josh…" I had to smile. "Do you know
what you were thinking about when the ambulance
got you here?"
He shook his head.
"The campaign. You kept mentioning the
Senator - I think you meant Hoynes - and going to
New Hampshire. I told you that we went to New
Hampshire. What I said was 'you came and got
me.'"
"Are you sure?" he whispered. "I could
have sworn you said you came to get me. On the
ground out there. You came to get me."
"You were a little mixed up." I shrugged
at him, wishing I could meet his eyes.
"Not really. You did come to get me. Thank you."
I hung my head.
"Hey," he slugged me softly in the arm.
"I mean it. You were there for me and you were
strong for me when I was scared. Thank you."
"You're welcome. Just… I wasn't the hero you're making me out to be."
"I remember very little, Sam. If
anyone's out to make you a hero it's the
President and Leo."
"Leo must have left out the part about me
losing my lunch in the bathroom as soon as they
took you into surgery." I didn't want this. I
didn't want him thanking me. I was so
traumatized by everything that happened that I'd
lost the ability to form simple words for hours.
"Actually he told me about that, but I
don't think he felt he needed to share that with
the President. You okay?"
"I'm fine," I had to laugh a little. The
guy with tubes and wires hanging out of a half
dozen places on his body was asking me if I'm
okay. "It was just… shock. You know?"
"Yeah, I know. I also know that you're
beating yourself up that it's me here and not
you. So quit it, okay? You did good. You did
damn good out there, Sam. Stop being so damn
self-effacing. You saved C.J.'s life! You were
prepared to take control of the scene, you did
take control. Toby said you made sure that the
senior staff, including Charlie were accounted
for before you got in the ambulance with me. You
kept it together when it was important. I dare
you to find one person out there who didn't have
a stress reaction at some point." He stopped to
cough again.
I gave him the pillow and ran my fingers
through his hair to calm him. "Shh… easy. It's
alright." When it was over he leaned over and
put his head on my shoulder to rest. I wrapped
my arms around him loosely, still wondering if it
hurt if I squeezed too tightly. "I needed to know
you were okay. I knew I needed to hold it
together long enough to make sure you were okay."
"And you did." he whispered.
So supposedly, it was that simple. I
just held him for a while and let him rest.
Maybe that was what it was all about - hitting
the ground running. Doing what has to be done
and worrying about how it affected you later.
Maybe, if I looked at what I did instead of how I
felt about what was going on, I could see that I
did okay. I was suddenly tired. Drained of
energy. Like all the tension I'd been carrying
around for a week had faded. It felt good to
feel tired.
Josh was tired too. He'd fallen asleep
on my shoulder. I hoped no one would get pissed
and kick me out for wearing him out. He was
finally up for the better part of a normal day
and now here he was back to sleeping in the
middle of the day again. I gently shifted him
until I could get one arm behind his shoulders
and the other supporting his head and laid him
back against the pillows. I knew I needed to get
back to the office, but it seemed like so much
bother all of a sudden. I moved down onto the
chair and rested my head on my arms on the edge
of his bed. Just for a minute. Just until I
could muster up the strength to move. I didn't
mean to fall asleep. Really.
"Let 'im sleep," Josh's voice rasped over
the edge of my consciousness. Something warm and
heavy was resting on the back of my head and it
would take way too much energy for me to move it
in order to sit up. I wasn't exactly
comfortable, my back ached, but I was just so
wiped.
"I'll wake him when I leave," Leo answered him.
"I'm up," I muttered, realizing they were
talking about me. I started to sit up, but what
turned out to be Josh's hand pushed me back down
gently. I took a deep breath, resolving myself
to the idea that I really shouldn't be sleeping
at the edge of Josh's hospital bed. I reached up
and held his hand in mine as I pulled myself into
a sitting position. "I'm up," I mumbled again.
"God, when did I fall asleep?" I checked my
watch, adrenaline rushing through me as I
realized I'd slept almost three hours in the
middle of the day. "Oh my god."
"Relax. We knew where you were. When
you didn't come back from lunch, I told Kathy to
reschedule the afternoon appointments you really
need to keep and to just cancel the rest of them.
Then I came over to be sure everything was okay."
"It's fine, everything's fine," Josh assured us both.
"Good," Leo said, squeezing Josh's arm.
"Then I'll go back and harass the President into
sending a delegate to speak at that damn
biologists' luncheon instead of trying to go
himself. He doesn't need to be doing anything he
isn't absolutely required to do right now."
He turned to go, but Josh stopped him. "Leo. Is he okay?"
Leo smiled. "He's fine. He just likes
to be Superman every once in a while. You take
care. We need you back as soon as you're feeling
better."
Leo left and I sat scrubbing my face with my
hands. Josh was looking at me oddly when I
looked back up at him. "What isn't he telling
me?"
"It's fine, Josh, really. It's just a
little… tense right now. Everyone wants the
President to take it easy for a few more days.
He's got his hands full with trying to keep Toby
from sending a bill to Congress to repeal the
Second Amendment and he doesn't seem to like the
fact that I'm not doing much to help him." I
shrugged. "And you know… the other stuff, all
the bills and propositions and whatever that were
on our desks when we left the office last Monday
night are still there. We got a couple days
reprieve from everyone right after all this, but
now they want to jump back into it all."
"Maybe you can bring me something to work
on the next time you come by," Josh suggested.
I almost told him flat out no, but I
realized he was maybe starting to feel like it
was his fault that we were all feeling a little
overwhelmed. "We'll see what your doctor thinks
of that idea, okay?"
"Okay."
We sat quietly for a few minutes, he'd
fallen asleep with CNN on the t.v., but neither
of us were really listening to it or watching it.
We'd both turned more inward with our thoughts,
still holding hands and just enjoying being
together.
He probably thought I was going to fall
asleep again, because after a while he squeezed
my hand. "Hey, you should get back."
I shrugged. "I suppose." I wanted to
kiss him. Just getting up and saying 'see you
later' seemed like a horrible mood breaker. I
squeezed his hand and he pulled our joined hands
closer to his healing chest.
"I'm okay. Really."
"Yeah," my voice was barely a whisper.
"Hey, they're giving me solid food,
finally, but what comes out of this place is more
like solid waste. Could you, maybe, bring me a
burger or something on your way out of the office
tonight?"
"The doctors won't mind?" I was happy to
help and more than happy for an excuse to come
back that evening, as long as I didn't become a
willing accomplice in a set back.
"Nah, C.J. brought me donuts this
morning. They figure as long as I'm eating…"
"Sure. I'll grab something for both of
us as soon as I can get out of the office." I
smiled. I liked that he was asking me to come
see him again.
"Thanks. Now get out of here before Leo
yells at me for making his staff disappear."
I squeezed his hand again and then decided the
hell with it. I leaned forward and kissed the
top of his head. "I love you."
Josh just smiled softly at me. "Love you too. Now get out."
I smiled at him and followed directions.
I must have fairly skipped into the
office because people were looking at me funny
all the way through the bullpen. Donna saw me
come in and ran to meet me.
"How is he? I mean, I saw him this
morning, but… you were gone a long time."
"He's fine. Well, I mean, he's going to
be there a few more days, but he's getting a lot
better. In fact, he wants to talk to his doctor
about getting some work done from his hospital
room, so if you could find a few things that
aren't likely to upset him too much, one of us
can bring them to him as soon as he gets the
okay."
Donna looked skeptical.
I ushered her into my office and shut the
door. I didn't mind Donna knowing, but I didn't
need the rumors that would start when some junior
staffer only heard half of my explanation of
where I'd been. "Seriously, Donna, he's fine.
I… I fell asleep… that's why I was there for so
long. He fell asleep after I'd been there a few
minutes and I just… I rested my eyes for a few
seconds. Next thing I know, Leo's there and Josh
is yelling at him to let me sleep." I shrugged.
"So everything's alright?"
"Everything's fine. I'm bringing him
some real food for dinner tonight. He says the
stuff they give him isn't solid food, it's solid
waste." I had to repeat the joke. Not only
because I knew it would put Donna at ease, but
also because it made me feel better. Josh was
joking and complaining and that was normal. If
he'd suddenly gotten all compliant, we would have
really worried.
Thank god C.J. had the sense to warn me
this was going to happen. She popped into my
office at about five fifteen saying, "I moved my
five o'clock briefing back to six, so you'll have
time to get to the hospital before this hits the
air."
Some early predictions about who was
running for what in the midterm elections
suddenly didn't matter one damn to me. "Excuse
me?"
She sighed and collapsed into a chair.
"Sam, Justice is releasing his name and his
photo. There's also very, very nasty, not to
mention crafty statement of support from a
Florida white pride group coming out."
I felt myself go pale, my stomach turn to
lead. "Oh, god." She didn't have to tell me any
more than that. Any unspecified 'he' or 'him'
meant only one person around here lately. None
of us wanted to dignify him with a name any more
than necessary.
"Yeah. Leo's telling the President now.
He thought maybe someone should be with Josh."
"Okay, tell Toby I'm gone for the day."
I grabbed my jacket and keys, leaving my
briefcase. If this didn't go as badly as I
expected it to, I could come back for a few
things. But odds were good that I wouldn't be
doing a whole lot of work before morning.
I took a second to marvel at the fact
that there was still daylight when I was leaving
the building, but almost wished for the cover of
darkness. I didn't want anyone asking where I
was going, could they come with, tell him I said
'hi,' ask him how he's doing for me. I didn't
want anyone to ask me why I had broken out in a
cold sweat on a beautiful summer evening and why
I was regretting having had time to grab an late
lunch from the mess.
It was a quarter till when I got to his
room. He was trying to read the Times, but was
apparently having problems turning the pages with
all the wires and tubes still hanging out of his
right arm. My first thought was to go help him
with it, but I realized that that would be pretty
pointless since I needed him to put it away so we
could talk. The t.v was on CSPAN and I knew C.J.
would be taking the podium soon. "Hey,"
He glanced up from his paper, "Hey," he said weakly. "What? No food?"
I blinked, not sure what he meant for a second
then remembering that when I could get away in
the evening to visit, I usually brought dinner.
"Sorry."
His grin faded, "What's wrong?"
I took off my jacket and rolled my sleeves up. I
loosened my tie before dropping the rail and
sitting on the edge of his bed. I tried and
tried - had been trying since C.J. told me about
this - to decide how to say this to him. To find
the magic words I was so famous for to make this
sound… not half as bad as it really was. I
reached up and ran my fingers through his hair,
stroking his temple with the back of my fingers.
"Sam? Sam, come on… what's wrong?"
Josh's voice was still raspy, which made it hard
to tell when he was really doing the best he
could and when he was starting to really fatigue.
"Josh, in a few minutes, C.J.'s going to
do her evening briefing." That was true. It was
also the easiest part of this conversation. It'd
get worse from here on out.
"Yeah, should have been at five, right?"
Josh was still using a form of verbal short-hand,
conserving his voice and his breath by only using
the words absolutely necessary to make his point.
"Right. She wanted me to have time to get
here to watch it with you, because um…" Damn this
was so fucking difficult.
"Sam, please, just say it."
I wondered if I was making him think of
things worse than this. Personally, I couldn't
come up with a whole lot of worse things, but
Josh had always been better at the 'worst case
scenario' than I was. And I'd gotten pretty damn
good after his surgery. "Josh, they're going to
release LeRoy's name and photo to the press
tonight. Justice has apparently decided that
they can give out that much. And C.J. says
there's some sort of statement being made by a
white pride group in the south supporting him."
Josh just leaned back into his pillows,
nodding slightly. He glanced back up at the t.v.
and then over to the door. I don't know what he
thought might be out there. Maybe nothing, maybe
he just didn't want to be looking at me or the
t.v.
"If you aren't ready for this, we can
turn the t.v. off and just talk for a while." I
reached back up, brushing a thumb over his cheek.
"Can't avoid it forever," he finally said sadly.
We just sat silently, watching a call in
segment about farm subsidies until they went to
the briefing room in time to watch C.J. take the
podium. Before she started speaking, I shifted
around to slide my arm behind his shoulders and
kiss his forehead. We held hands as we watched
C.J. get ready to speak.
Several of us had noticed that she'd
developed a … almost a tick when it came to
talking to the room about the shooting. She took
off her glasses, tucked her hair behind her ear,
braced herself on her podium and stared straight
through it for a moment before finding a spot on
the back wall to talk to as she gave them the
latest.
"There's news on the on-going
investigation into the shooting of President
Bartlet and Joshua Lyman in Roslyn, Virginia
tonight," she started, "The Justice department
has finally agreed to release the name and mug
shots of the signal man." She ran through her
little routine again, pinching her nose when she
realized her glasses were already off, hair,
podium, stare through her notes, stare at the
wall. "His name is Carl LeRoy. He says he is a
member of West Virginia White Pride, though that
organization is disavowing any foreknowledge of
the shooting or whether or not LeRoy is a
member." She stopped and visibly took a deep
breath. It was all the pause the press needed.
I glanced over at Josh. He was a little
pale, but so far she hadn't said anything we
hadn't known for a while.
Finally C.J. called on someone for a
question. I got the impression it was more to
quiet them, than because she actually wanted to
talk to them. "Sandy?"
"Will Justice be seeking a subpoena of
West Virginia White Pride's membership rosters?"
C.J. closed her eyes for a second. "I'm
not sure what exactly Justice is planning to do
next, you'd have to talk to them, but my personal
thoughts are that there may be some problems with
that due to freedom of association."
Another chorus of "C.J! C.J! C.J!"
"Ken."
"You said we'd be getting photos?"
"In your press packet," she cut him off.
Josh made sound I couldn't identify, and I muted C.J. "Hey?"
"Pictures?" he asked quietly.
"We can turn this off," I reminded him.
He just shook his head. "Be in the
papers tomorrow. Be on the news tomorrow… day
after…" He tightened his hand on mine. He just
wanted to get this over with.
We left the t.v. muted until the briefing
was over and then flipped on CNN. They had the
story processed in less than half an hour.
"And tonight, the White House released
the name of the signal man in Roslyn, West
Virginia who is the only surviving member of the
three person team responsible for shooting
President Bartlet last Monday." A picture of a
white kid, about seventeen or eighteen flashed on
the screen, and I don't think either of us heard
anything else she said.
I tore my eyes away after a while and
glanced over at Josh. His eyes were closed and I
could see him tapping his fingers as he counted
to five as he took a deep breath in and five
again as he let it out. He did it two more times
before opening his eyes. "I can't decide if I'm
grateful or angry."
"It does seem a little bit of an
injustice. You're still here, the President went
home on Wednesday but he's still the headline."
I leaned over and kissed his temple.
"I don't want to be a headline," he
whispered, cuddling into my shoulder.
"No," I said quickly, "I know that.
That's not what I meant. I'm sorry. It's just
that…" I reached over and gently touched his
face. "This all just sucks so bad."
Josh nodded. "He looks… stereotypical."
I glanced back at the t.v. The kid's
face was still there, and I couldn't help but
wonder what the hell they could still be saying
about him since all they'd released was his name
and photo. That was about fifteen seconds worth
of information. But Josh was right. The kid was
everything we think of when we hear 'neo-nazi'.
Bald, scowling, tattooed, young. I hated him and
everything he stood for and it was getting
increasingly difficult to stay calm and detached
while sitting in Josh's hospital room. The room
where can't even turn the page of the newspaper
without help because of all the wires and tubes
connected to him, and this kid is getting
national recognition. And support. Let's not
even talk about the assholes in Florida
supporting him. I hadn't heard that statement
yet, and if there was anyway for me to avoid it,
I planned on it. I wanted Josh to, too. I
didn't think he needed that kind of stress so
soon.
"What happens now?" He asked softly,
picking up my hand and rubbing it, trying to calm
me.
This was so wrong. Wrong beyond belief.
I needed to regroup. Josh wasn't supposed to be
comforting me. This was entirely wrong. "Well,
in the immediate future, I'm going to step into
the bathroom." I needed to get a grip. I needed
to hit something, but that wasn't really an
option at the moment.
I stood up and he let me slide my hand
out of his, but he looked skeptical. "What?"
"It's okay to be pissed. I'd be more
upset if you weren't upset, you know?" He was
starting to drift off. He was usually asleep by
eight o'clock, the end of visiting hours and it
would be that soon. He leaned heavily back on the
pillows, eyes closed, fidgeting with the blankets.
"I know," I whispered, "I'll come back in
a second and help you get settled for the night."
I still wanted a second to compose myself and
splash some water on my face.
When I came out, Josh was flipping
through the channels, watching the kids face pop
up and disappear, listening to see how each news
outlet covered the same event. I walked over
and took the remote and turned off the t.v.
"He's Justice's problem now." I kissed his
forehead as I wrapped the cord to the remote/call
button around the railing so it'd be there when
he needed it. I sat him up and helped him stay
upright with one hand while I pressed the button
to bring the bed back a little. He wasn't
supposed to sleep flat yet and I was sure that
was annoying him all to hell, but we'd had a
brief argument the third day he'd been awake
about what he wanted over what the doctors
ordered and I told him that I loved him enough to
side with the doctors on this one. So I brought
the bed back to about a thirty degree angle and
arranged his pillows and leaned him back. I
helped him get his bathrobe off amid a flurry of
one and two word rants about hospital gowns and
straightened out his blankets.
He sighed and snuggled into the pillows, "One more week."
"One more week for what?" I asked as I
brought the blankets up around his shoulders and
made sure the I.V., the pulse ox monitor and
whatever other apparati were still trailing from
him weren't going to get tangled.
"They think I can go home in a week."
He'd started some basic P.T. and they'd
been showing him how to change his bandages and
the stitches were due to come out in another two
or three days. I sat down on the chair near his
bed. "That's fantastic. Once they know exactly
which day it is I'll tell Leo that I'm taking a
couple days, okay?"
"Sam, if they're sending me home -"
I shook my head at him. "Let me bring
you home. Let me stay for a day or two until
we're sure you won't run into something you need
help with." I wanted him out of the hospital. I
desperately wanted to see him get that much
better, but the idea of him being on his own
scared the crap out of me. "Please?"
Josh nodded. "'Kay. Thanks." He reached
a hand out towards me. "Sam?"
"Hm?"
"Can you stay until I'm asleep tonight?"
"Yeah. I'll be right here. I'll always be right here."
____________
End, To Strive
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2004-06-28 01:17 am (UTC)Oh freakish!
Date: 2004-06-28 01:21 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked it and thanks ever so for the feedback. :)
Maybe I'll post "To Seek" later this week. :)
Waldo.
Re: Oh freakish!
Date: 2004-06-28 01:43 am (UTC)Re: Oh freakish!
Date: 2004-06-28 01:52 am (UTC)And besides, maybe I'll pick up a few stray readers that way. :)
Waldo.
Re: Oh freakish!
Date: 2004-06-28 02:09 am (UTC)pimp!Blue