TW FIC: Come Undone (KKBB post-ep)
Jan. 20th, 2008 06:13 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
waldos_writingsTitle: Come Undone
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: R
Word Count: 3685
Summary: Jack is home, but he's a mess and he knows it.
Author's Notes: Invaluable beta advice given by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
kensieg, kyrdwyn and ladykoori. Picks up from the end of KKBB, so you know, spoilers.
It seemed to take days for Tosh, Owen and Gwen to finally go home. For Jack to finally have some time alone with Ianto.
Only now that he had it, he wasn’t sure what to do with it.
Ianto was sorting through some papers on Tosh’s station when Jack approached and silently turned him around. He took the papers out of Ianto’s hand, tossed them back on the desk and enveloped him in the hugest hug he could manage. He could feel the tears pricking his eyes and the tell-tale itch in his throat told him that if he let them fall, he’d be sobbing uncontrollably. Probably for hours the way he felt.
So he battled them back.
Ianto’s arms came up slowly, one around Jack’s waist and the other coming up to cradle his head. “What is it, Jack?” he asked softly.
Jack shook his head against Ianto before sniffling and pulling away. “I’m sorry.”
Ianto held him fast, keeping him from stepping back and pretending everything was okay. “I didn’t ask you to apologize or to leave. I just asked what’s wrong.” He pulled Jack back in and tipped Jack’s head down onto his shoulder. He gently stroked his hair, and placed a soft kiss on Jack’s temple.
Jack found himself melting into the kind of comfort he’d spent a year convinced he’d never feel again. He shivered against the memories. “There’s so much. I can’t. Please, I just… I can’t. Not now.” Jack unconsciously tightened his arms around Ianto.
“Okay.” Ianto hugged him tight. “I’m right here.”
“I know,” Jack whispered, the first tears making their way down his cheeks, despite his efforts to stem them. He wiped them away angrily. “I know. I’m the one who went away. I know.” He hated himself for this. He’d been home for less than a day. Well, what with time resetting and all, how long exactly he’d been back was kind of up for grabs, but either way, this was probably not the way Ianto imagined their first quiet moment together. He bit his lip in frustration. “I’m so sorry for leaving like that. I’m so sorry I left you.”
“But you also came back,” Ianto assured him, reaching up to wipe off the fresh tear tracks far more gently than Jack had been doing. He was well aware of the way Jack had been looking at him when he’d explained that he’d told his Doctor that he needed to come back to them. To him. Yes, he knew Jack had belatedly included everyone in his explanation, but Jack had looked at him and said very slowly, very deliberately, “I came back for you.” And if he was misinterpreting he didn’t want anyone to tell him. Not after Jack had finally asked him on a proper date. Had admitted for the first time that what they had wasn’t a matter of convenience on nights when they’d both worked too late and had no one else to go home to. Jack wanted to take him out. Be seen in public with him. Yes, he’d walked away once. But he’d come back closer than he’d been when he left.
Ianto could see now that there was damage - maybe not physically; for Jack there would never be physical scars – but emotionally, Jack had been ravaged. Ianto wasn’t sure which had done him in worse - the time he’d been away or this bastard Hart who’d left with a cryptic message that had clearly shattered Jack on the spot.
Ianto knew he’d eventually have a dozen four-letter words for Jack for leaving, but clearly this was not the time. Maybe it never would be, he realized. Jack was in far more pain on his own than Ianto could ever inflict on him. And Ianto didn’t ever want to be the cause of even a tenth of the pain and anguish Jack was living with right now.
Jack’s hands tightened around fistfuls of Ianto’s shirt. Ianto stroked his hair again. “Shh. Shh.”
“Please stay tonight,” Jack begged as the sobs worked their way out, refusing to stay down any longer. He couldn’t face being alone with everything in his head. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get the words out anytime soon, but he couldn’t face being alone. The Doctor, the end of the world, the Master, a year spent chained to the wall being tortured and killed until he was sure he had to be mad from it all. Then to come back and find that his team really didn’t need him. Added to that a blast from his past that he never wanted to see, let alone have to introduce to his team. To Ianto. And that fucking bastard would bring up Grey.
Jack sobbed again, his found himself hanging onto Ianto in a way that was probably painful, but he couldn’t bring himself to loosen his grip. “I know it’s not fair to ask you to stay, but –“
“I’m actually very much okay with not letting you out of my sight for a while,” Ianto soothed.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” Ianto whispered.
They clung to each other for a few minutes longer before Ianto pulled back and took Jack’s head in both hands and kissed him. “Go downstairs. I’ll get Myfanwy squared away for the night and be down directly.”
Jack pulled him in for another soft kiss. “Thank you.” They hugged again before Jack reluctantly released Ianto and headed down through the hole in his office floor.
In retrospect it was something of a blessing that Ianto had let him go down alone. Jack found himself wandering around, picking things up, turning them over and setting them down as if they belonged to someone else. As if he didn’t know what to expect to find in his own bedroom.
He opened the dresser drawers and pawed through what he found. It seemed odd after a year of having only the clothes on his back – and not even always those – to have a selection of things to chose from. He looked in the old-fashioned roll-top desk drawers. It was odd to see packets of letters that he would have sworn belonged to someone else if he hadn’t known what they said without having to untie the silk ribbons that held the packets together.
“I brought this down,” Ianto said as he descended the ladder. Jack jumped and closed the drawer, feeling guilty, like he’d been going through Ianto’s things not his own. He spun around to see Ianto holding the remainder of the bottle of wine the team had split to toast Jack’s return.
Jack spun nervously, his eyes finally landing on the tumbler and decanter set on the dresser. “Not exactly wine glasses,” he said holding up two hi-ball glasses and shrugging.
“But they’ll do,” Ianto said splitting the remaining wine between the two glasses Jack held out.
Jack wanted to slam the wine back and then start on whatever other alcohol he could lay his hands on. It had been a very long time since he’d set out to get drunk purely to forget. Though he suspected he’d be dead of alcohol poisoning before he’d come close to forgetting. Then he’d wake up and be sober and still remember. He took a couple sips of wine and set the glass on the bedside table before sitting on the edge of the bed.
He felt the bed dip and from the corner of his eye he saw Ianto’s glass join his own. He felt Ianto’s hands rest gently on his shoulders. He could feel the heat of Ianto’s body against his back. He reached up and covered one of Ianto’s hands with his own.
Ianto rearranged himself until he was sitting snug behind Jack’s back. He slid Jack’s braces down and began a careful massage, pausing when Jack flinched. Ianto knew there wouldn’t be any physical marks, any bruises or scars, but Jack acted like he expected pain.
He waited him out. When Jack would flinch, Ianto would pause until Jack relaxed and then start again. The silence in the room was tangible, but it didn’t press on them. Jack knew Ianto would wait as long as it took.
Finally Jack shrugged. “I’m sorry about … well… that little meltdown.”
Ianto slid his hands down Jack’s arms to hold both of his hands. “I’m not. You said you can’t talk about it yet. I respect that. I’ll wait. I just have one question I’d like answered if you can.”
“Try me,” Jack said, trying to keep a light tone.
“Your doctor. He’s the Doctor, right? The one Torchwood was originally designed to capture?”
Jack nodded. “Like I said when you came here from London… they had it wrong.”
Ianto nodded. “I know. I trust you. So this is my actual question… How long were you gone? I know he can manipulate time. Just because we thought you were gone seven weeks…”
“A year,” Jack cut him off. “And it’s even more complicated than that. But for me it was a little more than a year.”
Ianto wrapped his hands around Jack’s waist and rested his chin on Jack’s shoulder. “Thank you for answering me,” he whispered before reaching around to grab his wine. A year explained how Jack could come back so changed, so scarred on the inside.
Jack finished his wine while they sat there and just embraced each other and the fact that they were together again. Eventually Jack lifted one of Ianto’s hands to his lips and kissed the back of his hand. “I’m going to clean up for bed.”
Ianto slid back a bit, giving Jack space.
When Jack went into the bathroom, Ianto began tidying up the neglected bedroom. He managed to strip the bed and change the sheets and shake out the blankets before Jack came back out in his boxers.
“All yours,” Jack said giving Ianto a quick kiss on the cheek as they passed.
Ianto shut the bathroom door and ran the tap for a few seconds, waiting for the water to warm up. He scrubbed his hands up and down his face. Jack was back. Jack was clearly still Jack, able to handle himself, his team, a sportscar-stealing blowfish and some sociopath from the future without breaking a sweat. But at the same time he was so different. He wasn’t molesting everything that moved, and he flinched from Ianto’s touch. Ianto knew it wasn’t personal, but it made him so deeply curious as to what would cause Jack enough damage to result in phantom pain even after he’d died and come back at least once.
Ianto grabbed a cloth from the stack on the sink and scrubbed his face and neck. Jack had never been completely predictable, but now he’d be even less so. Ianto hoped he’d have the patience to let Jack work this through on his own. Let alone the sympathy to help if Jack decided to let him in.
It was a little odd being on this side of things. Jack had been just a tad off the night he’d come home from being at a World War II dance, but more often than not Jack was taking care of him. After the cannibals Jack had brought him back here and gotten him cleaned up and tucked in and held him when the nightmares came crashing down. Hell, even after Lisa, once they’d both calmed down, Jack had taken care of him. Jack had come over for coffee several times during his suspension and made an honest effort to get to know him and he’d even let it go when Ianto had come back into work a few days before he was supposed to. Jack had always known what to say, what do and when to just let Ianto be. Ianto hoped he could be that person for Jack.
Ianto finished cleaning up and stripped off his suit, draping it on the hanger Jack had been leaving on the shower rod for just that purpose since that first time he’d asked Ianto to stay. He went back into the bedroom in his shorts and t-shirt.
Jack was in bed, the overhead light was off and the softer bedside lamp cast a dim glow over the room. Ianto slid in between the sheets, and turned his back to Jack, snuggling into him, a reverse of their earlier positions. He sighed and settled when he felt Jack’s hand go around his waist and they both silently acknowledged that this, at least, hadn’t changed.
Jack pulled away just long enough to turn off the remaining light before resettling himself along Ianto’s back, his breath tickling Ianto’s ear. “I meant what I said before. I want to take you out. I wasn’t just –“
“I know you weren’t,” Ianto cut him off, wondering where this vulnerable Jack had come from. He wondered if there wasn’t some signal he’d been sending off that made Jack think he didn’t trust him. He shuffled over onto his back and gently traced Jack’s lips with one finger. “I know you meant it. And I’m looking forward to it.”
Jack nodded, looking too relieved at that fact for Ianto’s comfort.
“I just didn’t want you to think I was playing with you.”
Ianto leaned in and kissed him gently. “I know you weren’t Jack. You’d never do something like that. Go to sleep now,” Ianto instructed, his hand coming up to gently brush at the hair at Jack’s temple.
Jack nodded and gently nudged Ianto until he rolled over to once again have his back to Jack’s front.
They both settled and finally, they both slept.
Jack tossed and turned for a few seconds, the edges of a dream fading before he could really figure out what he’d been dreaming about. He was breathless and shaky, so it was nothing good.
He looked at Ianto, sleeping – so far as Jack could tell – peacefully and soundly.
He slipped out of bed, gently shushing Ianto when he reached for him, and making sure he was settled before padding across to the bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face, hoping to rid himself of the last vestiges of that dream he couldn’t remember. A nightmare, to be sure, but what of? He knew there was such a ridiculously high number of things it could be.
He turned off the bathroom light before opening the door. The little bit of light coming in from the office was hitting Ianto square in the face, not that he showed any signs of knowing it. Jack stood in the doorway watching him for a long time. Ianto had long ago gotten used to Jack getting up before him. Jack only slept two or three hours a night. Ianto had told him that he was content as long as they could fall asleep together. If they didn’t often wake together, he could live with that.
Jack wasn’t sure if he wanted to try getting some more sleep or not. There’d been about a week between the time the Master had died and Jack had come home. Jack had been afraid to leave the Doctor while he mourned the one other being who could understand what it was like to be him. And the Doctor had been concerned over Jack’s well-being, knowing that he’d been tortured and killed over and over. He’d insisted Jack spend some time on a beach with him. He’d made sure they all got some rest and some perspective before allowing Jack and Martha to come home. He knew Martha would need to spend some time with her family and Jack would want to check in with his team. Jack knew the Doctor expected at least one of them to rejoin him, but Martha had told him in confidence that she’d probably be staying back in London for a while at least.
He’d had to choose. He could have Ianto or he could have the Doctor.
Seeing Ianto curl up around the extra pillow told him he’d made the right choice.
He sighed. He’d made the right choice for him. He wasn’t sure he’d made the right choice for Ianto. There was so much Ianto didn’t know about him. Ianto was, by nature, a private person. Jack wondered if some of it wasn’t learned behavior, in order to keep the secrets Torchwood demanded of him. Jack wondered, not for the first time, what Ianto had been like as a child.
Torchwood, Jack knew, had taken so much from Ianto. And he wasn’t sure anymore if he wasn’t just doing more of the same. There was so much Ianto didn’t know. Even before Jack had run off with the Doctor, Jack had kept secrets from him. Hell, he kept them so well that he even kept them from himself more often than not. It shamed him to think of how long it had been since he’d even thought of Grey.
He went to the faux closet – a bar suspended across a corner – and grabbed a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a jumper. As he was putting on his jeans, he heard Ianto shift.
“Jack?” Noticing the empty bed, Ianto sat up on his elbows. “Jack? Everything okay?”
Jack sat on the edge of the bed and kissed Ianto’s forehead. “Fine. I’m just done sleeping.”
Ianto glanced over at the clock. “Already?”
“I can lay down with you if you want?” Jack offered.
Ianto knew Jack would eventually get bored and restless and keep him from sleeping if he asked him to do that. But there was something in Jack’s face… “Just until I fall back asleep?”
Jack left his jeans on and lay down on top of the covers. Ianto curled up with him, his head on Jack’s chest.
It only took a few minutes for Ianto to drop off again and when he did Jack carefully lay him back on the pillow.
He pulled on his t-shirt and jumper and sat at the desk. He lit the pillar candle on the corner of the desk and moved it to where he’d be able to see what he was doing. He dug through the middle drawer until he found some decent stationary.
1. Satellite Five
2. The Time Agency
3. Grey
4. “John Hart”
5. The Valiant
He knew there was no order or logic to his list. He just needed to get everything out as fast as he could.
6.Missing Stolen Two Years
7. The End of the Universe
8. Crashing a Chula Hospital Ship on London and almost destroying it. (London, not the ship, it was already in bad shape)
9. This isn’t just sex. Not any more. Maybe it was, but I don’t want it to be any more.
10. Getting Torchwood signed over
11. I caused it all. If I hadn’t made the TARDIS go to the end of the Universe, Dr. Yana never would have known the truth.
The list continued to the bottom of the page. Big things, small but important things. Things that had happened a hundred years ago, things that wouldn’t happen for thousands of years to come. Things Ianto needed to know about him before Jack could possibly believe Ianto was able to make an informed decision about being with him.
Not sleeping with him. The sex was easy. This – the really being together – was hard. It was why Jack had avoided it so adamantly for so long. Jack knew Ianto was worth it. He wasn’t sure Ianto would think he was. Not any more. Not after leaving and not after the secrets and… there was just so much.
He dug around in the hutch part of the roll top desk until he found the intricately styled metal stamp. He folded the letter in thirds and tipped the candle until a half-dozen drops of wax fell onto the fold. He pressed the seal into the wax and then wrote “January 16, 2009” on the front.
One year. He’d give himself one year to tell Ianto about everything on that list. If Ianto was still there on January 16, 2009 then Jack would know that Ianto had accepted him for who he is. Who he’d been. He tucked the letter into a pile of important personal papers and blew out the candle.
One year. If he couldn’t do it, he’d tell Ianto to go find himself a girlfriend or boyfriend who could give him everything he deserved. And he’d make it clear that if at any time it was too much for Ianto, that he was free to walk away and Jack would never make him feel bad for it.
No matter how miserable it might make him.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so dependant on another person’s affection for his own well-being. He swiped angrily at the tears streaming down his face. He knew it was the right thing to do, but he was dreading the fact that it could backfire. That Ianto could walk away and decide that Jack really was the monster he’d accused him of being.
“Jack?”
Jack wiped his face off again before turning to Ianto. “Yeah?”
Ianto’s face screwed up. “Is something burning?”
“I lit a candle for a bit.” Jack tucked away the embossing stamp and the fountain pen. “I was thinking of trying to get some more sleep. Any room over there?”
Ianto smiled at him in the dim light from the trapdoor. “Always.”
Jack stripped back out of his clothes and climbed back into bed. His body and Ianto’s falling back to their instinctive positions. The one Jack imagined time and again as he was chained to the walls of the Valiant. He shoved back the tears – successfully this time – and hugged Ianto tightly. So much to say. But as he lay there with Ianto gently stroking his fingers where they rested on his belly, he began to think that it just might be okay. This was after all, during a year of pain and hell, exactly what he’d dreamed of.
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Rating: R
Word Count: 3685
Summary: Jack is home, but he's a mess and he knows it.
Author's Notes: Invaluable beta advice given by
kensieg, kyrdwyn and ladykoori. Picks up from the end of KKBB, so you know, spoilers.What do you need...
Who do you love when you
Who do you love when you
It seemed to take days for Tosh, Owen and Gwen to finally go home. For Jack to finally have some time alone with Ianto.
Only now that he had it, he wasn’t sure what to do with it.
Ianto was sorting through some papers on Tosh’s station when Jack approached and silently turned him around. He took the papers out of Ianto’s hand, tossed them back on the desk and enveloped him in the hugest hug he could manage. He could feel the tears pricking his eyes and the tell-tale itch in his throat told him that if he let them fall, he’d be sobbing uncontrollably. Probably for hours the way he felt.
So he battled them back.
Ianto’s arms came up slowly, one around Jack’s waist and the other coming up to cradle his head. “What is it, Jack?” he asked softly.
Jack shook his head against Ianto before sniffling and pulling away. “I’m sorry.”
Ianto held him fast, keeping him from stepping back and pretending everything was okay. “I didn’t ask you to apologize or to leave. I just asked what’s wrong.” He pulled Jack back in and tipped Jack’s head down onto his shoulder. He gently stroked his hair, and placed a soft kiss on Jack’s temple.
Jack found himself melting into the kind of comfort he’d spent a year convinced he’d never feel again. He shivered against the memories. “There’s so much. I can’t. Please, I just… I can’t. Not now.” Jack unconsciously tightened his arms around Ianto.
“Okay.” Ianto hugged him tight. “I’m right here.”
“I know,” Jack whispered, the first tears making their way down his cheeks, despite his efforts to stem them. He wiped them away angrily. “I know. I’m the one who went away. I know.” He hated himself for this. He’d been home for less than a day. Well, what with time resetting and all, how long exactly he’d been back was kind of up for grabs, but either way, this was probably not the way Ianto imagined their first quiet moment together. He bit his lip in frustration. “I’m so sorry for leaving like that. I’m so sorry I left you.”
“But you also came back,” Ianto assured him, reaching up to wipe off the fresh tear tracks far more gently than Jack had been doing. He was well aware of the way Jack had been looking at him when he’d explained that he’d told his Doctor that he needed to come back to them. To him. Yes, he knew Jack had belatedly included everyone in his explanation, but Jack had looked at him and said very slowly, very deliberately, “I came back for you.” And if he was misinterpreting he didn’t want anyone to tell him. Not after Jack had finally asked him on a proper date. Had admitted for the first time that what they had wasn’t a matter of convenience on nights when they’d both worked too late and had no one else to go home to. Jack wanted to take him out. Be seen in public with him. Yes, he’d walked away once. But he’d come back closer than he’d been when he left.
Ianto could see now that there was damage - maybe not physically; for Jack there would never be physical scars – but emotionally, Jack had been ravaged. Ianto wasn’t sure which had done him in worse - the time he’d been away or this bastard Hart who’d left with a cryptic message that had clearly shattered Jack on the spot.
Ianto knew he’d eventually have a dozen four-letter words for Jack for leaving, but clearly this was not the time. Maybe it never would be, he realized. Jack was in far more pain on his own than Ianto could ever inflict on him. And Ianto didn’t ever want to be the cause of even a tenth of the pain and anguish Jack was living with right now.
Jack’s hands tightened around fistfuls of Ianto’s shirt. Ianto stroked his hair again. “Shh. Shh.”
“Please stay tonight,” Jack begged as the sobs worked their way out, refusing to stay down any longer. He couldn’t face being alone with everything in his head. He knew he wouldn’t be able to get the words out anytime soon, but he couldn’t face being alone. The Doctor, the end of the world, the Master, a year spent chained to the wall being tortured and killed until he was sure he had to be mad from it all. Then to come back and find that his team really didn’t need him. Added to that a blast from his past that he never wanted to see, let alone have to introduce to his team. To Ianto. And that fucking bastard would bring up Grey.
Jack sobbed again, his found himself hanging onto Ianto in a way that was probably painful, but he couldn’t bring himself to loosen his grip. “I know it’s not fair to ask you to stay, but –“
“I’m actually very much okay with not letting you out of my sight for a while,” Ianto soothed.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I know,” Ianto whispered.
They clung to each other for a few minutes longer before Ianto pulled back and took Jack’s head in both hands and kissed him. “Go downstairs. I’ll get Myfanwy squared away for the night and be down directly.”
Jack pulled him in for another soft kiss. “Thank you.” They hugged again before Jack reluctantly released Ianto and headed down through the hole in his office floor.
In retrospect it was something of a blessing that Ianto had let him go down alone. Jack found himself wandering around, picking things up, turning them over and setting them down as if they belonged to someone else. As if he didn’t know what to expect to find in his own bedroom.
He opened the dresser drawers and pawed through what he found. It seemed odd after a year of having only the clothes on his back – and not even always those – to have a selection of things to chose from. He looked in the old-fashioned roll-top desk drawers. It was odd to see packets of letters that he would have sworn belonged to someone else if he hadn’t known what they said without having to untie the silk ribbons that held the packets together.
“I brought this down,” Ianto said as he descended the ladder. Jack jumped and closed the drawer, feeling guilty, like he’d been going through Ianto’s things not his own. He spun around to see Ianto holding the remainder of the bottle of wine the team had split to toast Jack’s return.
Jack spun nervously, his eyes finally landing on the tumbler and decanter set on the dresser. “Not exactly wine glasses,” he said holding up two hi-ball glasses and shrugging.
“But they’ll do,” Ianto said splitting the remaining wine between the two glasses Jack held out.
Jack wanted to slam the wine back and then start on whatever other alcohol he could lay his hands on. It had been a very long time since he’d set out to get drunk purely to forget. Though he suspected he’d be dead of alcohol poisoning before he’d come close to forgetting. Then he’d wake up and be sober and still remember. He took a couple sips of wine and set the glass on the bedside table before sitting on the edge of the bed.
He felt the bed dip and from the corner of his eye he saw Ianto’s glass join his own. He felt Ianto’s hands rest gently on his shoulders. He could feel the heat of Ianto’s body against his back. He reached up and covered one of Ianto’s hands with his own.
Ianto rearranged himself until he was sitting snug behind Jack’s back. He slid Jack’s braces down and began a careful massage, pausing when Jack flinched. Ianto knew there wouldn’t be any physical marks, any bruises or scars, but Jack acted like he expected pain.
He waited him out. When Jack would flinch, Ianto would pause until Jack relaxed and then start again. The silence in the room was tangible, but it didn’t press on them. Jack knew Ianto would wait as long as it took.
Finally Jack shrugged. “I’m sorry about … well… that little meltdown.”
Ianto slid his hands down Jack’s arms to hold both of his hands. “I’m not. You said you can’t talk about it yet. I respect that. I’ll wait. I just have one question I’d like answered if you can.”
“Try me,” Jack said, trying to keep a light tone.
“Your doctor. He’s the Doctor, right? The one Torchwood was originally designed to capture?”
Jack nodded. “Like I said when you came here from London… they had it wrong.”
Ianto nodded. “I know. I trust you. So this is my actual question… How long were you gone? I know he can manipulate time. Just because we thought you were gone seven weeks…”
“A year,” Jack cut him off. “And it’s even more complicated than that. But for me it was a little more than a year.”
Ianto wrapped his hands around Jack’s waist and rested his chin on Jack’s shoulder. “Thank you for answering me,” he whispered before reaching around to grab his wine. A year explained how Jack could come back so changed, so scarred on the inside.
Jack finished his wine while they sat there and just embraced each other and the fact that they were together again. Eventually Jack lifted one of Ianto’s hands to his lips and kissed the back of his hand. “I’m going to clean up for bed.”
Ianto slid back a bit, giving Jack space.
When Jack went into the bathroom, Ianto began tidying up the neglected bedroom. He managed to strip the bed and change the sheets and shake out the blankets before Jack came back out in his boxers.
“All yours,” Jack said giving Ianto a quick kiss on the cheek as they passed.
Ianto shut the bathroom door and ran the tap for a few seconds, waiting for the water to warm up. He scrubbed his hands up and down his face. Jack was back. Jack was clearly still Jack, able to handle himself, his team, a sportscar-stealing blowfish and some sociopath from the future without breaking a sweat. But at the same time he was so different. He wasn’t molesting everything that moved, and he flinched from Ianto’s touch. Ianto knew it wasn’t personal, but it made him so deeply curious as to what would cause Jack enough damage to result in phantom pain even after he’d died and come back at least once.
Ianto grabbed a cloth from the stack on the sink and scrubbed his face and neck. Jack had never been completely predictable, but now he’d be even less so. Ianto hoped he’d have the patience to let Jack work this through on his own. Let alone the sympathy to help if Jack decided to let him in.
It was a little odd being on this side of things. Jack had been just a tad off the night he’d come home from being at a World War II dance, but more often than not Jack was taking care of him. After the cannibals Jack had brought him back here and gotten him cleaned up and tucked in and held him when the nightmares came crashing down. Hell, even after Lisa, once they’d both calmed down, Jack had taken care of him. Jack had come over for coffee several times during his suspension and made an honest effort to get to know him and he’d even let it go when Ianto had come back into work a few days before he was supposed to. Jack had always known what to say, what do and when to just let Ianto be. Ianto hoped he could be that person for Jack.
Ianto finished cleaning up and stripped off his suit, draping it on the hanger Jack had been leaving on the shower rod for just that purpose since that first time he’d asked Ianto to stay. He went back into the bedroom in his shorts and t-shirt.
Jack was in bed, the overhead light was off and the softer bedside lamp cast a dim glow over the room. Ianto slid in between the sheets, and turned his back to Jack, snuggling into him, a reverse of their earlier positions. He sighed and settled when he felt Jack’s hand go around his waist and they both silently acknowledged that this, at least, hadn’t changed.
Jack pulled away just long enough to turn off the remaining light before resettling himself along Ianto’s back, his breath tickling Ianto’s ear. “I meant what I said before. I want to take you out. I wasn’t just –“
“I know you weren’t,” Ianto cut him off, wondering where this vulnerable Jack had come from. He wondered if there wasn’t some signal he’d been sending off that made Jack think he didn’t trust him. He shuffled over onto his back and gently traced Jack’s lips with one finger. “I know you meant it. And I’m looking forward to it.”
Jack nodded, looking too relieved at that fact for Ianto’s comfort.
“I just didn’t want you to think I was playing with you.”
Ianto leaned in and kissed him gently. “I know you weren’t Jack. You’d never do something like that. Go to sleep now,” Ianto instructed, his hand coming up to gently brush at the hair at Jack’s temple.
Jack nodded and gently nudged Ianto until he rolled over to once again have his back to Jack’s front.
They both settled and finally, they both slept.
Jack tossed and turned for a few seconds, the edges of a dream fading before he could really figure out what he’d been dreaming about. He was breathless and shaky, so it was nothing good.
He looked at Ianto, sleeping – so far as Jack could tell – peacefully and soundly.
He slipped out of bed, gently shushing Ianto when he reached for him, and making sure he was settled before padding across to the bathroom. He splashed cold water on his face, hoping to rid himself of the last vestiges of that dream he couldn’t remember. A nightmare, to be sure, but what of? He knew there was such a ridiculously high number of things it could be.
He turned off the bathroom light before opening the door. The little bit of light coming in from the office was hitting Ianto square in the face, not that he showed any signs of knowing it. Jack stood in the doorway watching him for a long time. Ianto had long ago gotten used to Jack getting up before him. Jack only slept two or three hours a night. Ianto had told him that he was content as long as they could fall asleep together. If they didn’t often wake together, he could live with that.
Jack wasn’t sure if he wanted to try getting some more sleep or not. There’d been about a week between the time the Master had died and Jack had come home. Jack had been afraid to leave the Doctor while he mourned the one other being who could understand what it was like to be him. And the Doctor had been concerned over Jack’s well-being, knowing that he’d been tortured and killed over and over. He’d insisted Jack spend some time on a beach with him. He’d made sure they all got some rest and some perspective before allowing Jack and Martha to come home. He knew Martha would need to spend some time with her family and Jack would want to check in with his team. Jack knew the Doctor expected at least one of them to rejoin him, but Martha had told him in confidence that she’d probably be staying back in London for a while at least.
He’d had to choose. He could have Ianto or he could have the Doctor.
Seeing Ianto curl up around the extra pillow told him he’d made the right choice.
He sighed. He’d made the right choice for him. He wasn’t sure he’d made the right choice for Ianto. There was so much Ianto didn’t know about him. Ianto was, by nature, a private person. Jack wondered if some of it wasn’t learned behavior, in order to keep the secrets Torchwood demanded of him. Jack wondered, not for the first time, what Ianto had been like as a child.
Torchwood, Jack knew, had taken so much from Ianto. And he wasn’t sure anymore if he wasn’t just doing more of the same. There was so much Ianto didn’t know. Even before Jack had run off with the Doctor, Jack had kept secrets from him. Hell, he kept them so well that he even kept them from himself more often than not. It shamed him to think of how long it had been since he’d even thought of Grey.
He went to the faux closet – a bar suspended across a corner – and grabbed a pair of jeans, a t-shirt and a jumper. As he was putting on his jeans, he heard Ianto shift.
“Jack?” Noticing the empty bed, Ianto sat up on his elbows. “Jack? Everything okay?”
Jack sat on the edge of the bed and kissed Ianto’s forehead. “Fine. I’m just done sleeping.”
Ianto glanced over at the clock. “Already?”
“I can lay down with you if you want?” Jack offered.
Ianto knew Jack would eventually get bored and restless and keep him from sleeping if he asked him to do that. But there was something in Jack’s face… “Just until I fall back asleep?”
Jack left his jeans on and lay down on top of the covers. Ianto curled up with him, his head on Jack’s chest.
It only took a few minutes for Ianto to drop off again and when he did Jack carefully lay him back on the pillow.
He pulled on his t-shirt and jumper and sat at the desk. He lit the pillar candle on the corner of the desk and moved it to where he’d be able to see what he was doing. He dug through the middle drawer until he found some decent stationary.
1. Satellite Five
2. The Time Agency
3. Grey
4. “John Hart”
5. The Valiant
He knew there was no order or logic to his list. He just needed to get everything out as fast as he could.
6.
7. The End of the Universe
8. Crashing a Chula Hospital Ship on London and almost destroying it. (London, not the ship, it was already in bad shape)
9. This isn’t just sex. Not any more. Maybe it was, but I don’t want it to be any more.
10. Getting Torchwood signed over
11. I caused it all. If I hadn’t made the TARDIS go to the end of the Universe, Dr. Yana never would have known the truth.
The list continued to the bottom of the page. Big things, small but important things. Things that had happened a hundred years ago, things that wouldn’t happen for thousands of years to come. Things Ianto needed to know about him before Jack could possibly believe Ianto was able to make an informed decision about being with him.
Not sleeping with him. The sex was easy. This – the really being together – was hard. It was why Jack had avoided it so adamantly for so long. Jack knew Ianto was worth it. He wasn’t sure Ianto would think he was. Not any more. Not after leaving and not after the secrets and… there was just so much.
He dug around in the hutch part of the roll top desk until he found the intricately styled metal stamp. He folded the letter in thirds and tipped the candle until a half-dozen drops of wax fell onto the fold. He pressed the seal into the wax and then wrote “January 16, 2009” on the front.
One year. He’d give himself one year to tell Ianto about everything on that list. If Ianto was still there on January 16, 2009 then Jack would know that Ianto had accepted him for who he is. Who he’d been. He tucked the letter into a pile of important personal papers and blew out the candle.
One year. If he couldn’t do it, he’d tell Ianto to go find himself a girlfriend or boyfriend who could give him everything he deserved. And he’d make it clear that if at any time it was too much for Ianto, that he was free to walk away and Jack would never make him feel bad for it.
No matter how miserable it might make him.
He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so dependant on another person’s affection for his own well-being. He swiped angrily at the tears streaming down his face. He knew it was the right thing to do, but he was dreading the fact that it could backfire. That Ianto could walk away and decide that Jack really was the monster he’d accused him of being.
“Jack?”
Jack wiped his face off again before turning to Ianto. “Yeah?”
Ianto’s face screwed up. “Is something burning?”
“I lit a candle for a bit.” Jack tucked away the embossing stamp and the fountain pen. “I was thinking of trying to get some more sleep. Any room over there?”
Ianto smiled at him in the dim light from the trapdoor. “Always.”
Jack stripped back out of his clothes and climbed back into bed. His body and Ianto’s falling back to their instinctive positions. The one Jack imagined time and again as he was chained to the walls of the Valiant. He shoved back the tears – successfully this time – and hugged Ianto tightly. So much to say. But as he lay there with Ianto gently stroking his fingers where they rested on his belly, he began to think that it just might be okay. This was after all, during a year of pain and hell, exactly what he’d dreamed of.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 12:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 12:46 am (UTC)And here's an icon to go with your icon. :)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:09 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:39 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:11 am (UTC)Thanks for sharing.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:40 am (UTC)I'd love to see it to, because I have utter confidence that these two actors could totally pull it off. But I agree, I don't think we'll see it. :(
Thanks for the note.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:19 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:42 am (UTC)And I'm very flattered that you liked it enough to 'memory' it. Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:43 am (UTC)Thanks for the note!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:24 am (UTC)Well done! This was great!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:44 am (UTC)So glad you liked it! Thanks.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:37 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:46 am (UTC)I'm glad you liked it. It was kind of hard to write, but worth it, I think. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:44 am (UTC)And after spending the last few days talking about subtext, I'm even seeing it here, intentional or not!! That basically if Jack and Ianto last the season with Jack being open and honest with Ianto, then Jack will be worthy of Ianto and they'll last the distance. If not, then Ianto really will deserve somebody better.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:47 am (UTC)And yeah, you got it. If Ianto knows who Jack *truly* is and choses to stay then Jack knows Ianto has made his choice with full understanding of all it implies. None of the brashness and the acting that he normally shows people.
And if he can't give Ianto the truth, he doesn't deserve him anyway.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:51 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 01:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:02 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:06 am (UTC)Thank you again, so very much!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:04 am (UTC)You captured both Jack and Ianto personalities perfectly.Very well done! Love the fact you made Jack so vulnerable and Ianto so strong and protective. Looking forword reading more of your work.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:08 am (UTC)And Jack... oh that boy came back so messed up. So very, tragically messed up. Is it wrong of me to love that?
So very glad you liked it.
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:10 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:11 am (UTC)So glad you enjoyed it, though. :)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:24 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:39 am (UTC)My favourite post-ep fic to date. Oh it really is very good. I'm tearing up a little bit here.
I would so love to see some of this emotion in an episode.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:42 am (UTC)I'm so glad this worked for you. Thank you.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:42 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:44 am (UTC)And Ianto's only moment of real vulnerability came from that one line: "Are you going to go back to him?"
So it was set up pretty neatly for me. All I had to do was fill in from there. :)
Thanks so much!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:45 am (UTC)Although the thought of the Doctor, Jack and Martha hanging out on a beach (possibly drinking fancy cocktails and getting tanned) made me giggle a little. But then I remembered Barcelona. ;)
Hope to read more from you soon!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:48 am (UTC)And you can pretty much guarantee there will be more from me. After all, there's a new ep on Wednesday. :)
Thanks!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:54 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 02:55 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:22 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:45 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:49 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:46 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 04:32 am (UTC)Well done.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:50 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 04:45 am (UTC)Jack would be changed by his year on the Valiant, I like how you chose to show some of the ways it would have bled through- like the massage- subtle, but there, just beneath the surface.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 04:49 am (UTC)I also like the dynamic you've given for Jack and Ianto's relationship, both in the first season, and now. Because it wasn't about one or the other of them being cruel and using the other person. It was mutual and turned out to mean a lot more than they intended.
This is a beautiful story. Thanks for sharing.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:53 pm (UTC)And I agree with what you've said. I don't think either of them felt used, but if asked, I'm not sure Ianto would have been able to characterize WHAT it was in conventional terms. He didn't want to push Jack into something Jack might not have been able to give (at that time) and lose what they had, but I think he always wanted more. IMHO that's why he looked so shocked at Jack kissing him in EoD. But now. Yeah, things are a lot different. Especially for Jack.
Thank you so much!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 05:45 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:56 pm (UTC)Thank you so much.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 08:32 am (UTC)Loved this, but I *always* love your work.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:58 pm (UTC)'Color' me jealous. I wish I had a unique name. :)
And thank you. It's been a fun story to share (if not somewhat harrowing to write. :)
(no subject)
From:(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 10:43 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-01-21 03:59 pm (UTC)